Men: What To Wear: August 2012

The corporate ‘scene’ is not one in which I usually ‘hang’. Yes, given, this is mostly due to the fact I seem to have a very special gift in selecting work pursuits that fail to present me with jack-shit opportunity to make money, such as a corporate job might offer. I suppose the extent of my encounter with the corporate-scene is having a few drinks paid for with some capitalist gains by the odd banker-type. However, my interest in business-men (as a specie) hasn’t ever really continued much past the moment I finish my gratis Sauvignon Blanc (coincidently about the same time I discover that my wine-sponsor is a bit of a prick). What I’m getting to here, is that I have never had much of a concern for the corporate world, including what these multi-national ~~cocks~~ cogs are wearing. Alas, I find most work-wear nauseating in its dullness, and the dudes that don these baggy, bland poly-blend suits seem mostly too worried about appearing as a radical or worse; ‘trendy’ (gay) to do anything about their dire-daggy situation.

However, I have to say; as is the case for many discerning hetero-lushes, nothing rocks my socks like a guy looking schmick in a current, co-ordinated and tailored suit. In fact the appeal of a suit-ensemble; stylishly executed, is such, that it could even compensate for your (potential) lack of beard (i.e. your social handicap) if this is the unfortunate case! Like drinking beer and wearing pants; donning a suit is one of the few things that can make you seem almost like an evolved man. Before you think this particular path to your evolution is too much hard work and you might as well give up on being a civilized man; remove your pants and start flinging your shit about; its really not hard to look good in a suit. In fact a fundamental rule to looking good is, don’t try and be too creative and pimp the ensemble up or you’ll just look like a girly twat. Keep your suit (shirt, tie) simple, but well-tailored for a look that’s finer than frog hair.

Ok, I’m usually not so concerned with tailoring, because I’m not like a 70 year old dude working on Savile Row, but for this post I really need to focus on how the suit is made-up. Honestly, if it doesn’t fit right, there’s fuck-all reason for wearing it. I’ll have to talk about co-ordinating ties and shirts in the next post (there’s too much to say already). This doesn’t mean that in the meanwhile you have to go all boy-band on us and brand your bare, shaven chest under your well-cut 2 piece. Until I give you some dogmatic instruction on which shirts and ties will match with your suit, just generally stick to non-pattern shirts, except for maybe check.

Anyway, back to the way this bad-boy is put together.

Ok, as I’m typing this, I'll be honest; I'm already getting a bit bored, because so much about choosing a suit is about that technical (tailoring) shit and for once there’s some decent TV on! So I’m just going to get straight into laying-down some guidelines that deal with the biggest issues in selecting/wearing a suit:

Wear it 'Slim'

As with most everything in men’s clothing, your suit should be ‘slim’-tailored. An elongated and trimmed-down silhouette is what we’re going for. If by chance you’re carrying more weight than your average male underwear model, it doesn’t matter; the same slim-cut rule applies. Wear the suit baggy, and people just assume your attempting to hide quite the awesome beer-belly anyway. Aim for straight lines that just skim your widest parts.

Check your pits

The armpits: the most ignored aspect of most clothing, need some attention in suits. The armholes should be high and the shoulder (seams) narrow. This means, the armpit seam should start just under the arm i.e. not lower down on the jacket which creates a clumsy large sleeve. The shoulder seam shouldn’t extend past the shoulder (like, durr). Despite every man’s desire to look like a pimp-daddy, the shoulder seam hitting the edge of the shoulder alone, will always make you look ‘broader’. You don’t need to exaggerate this and look like you’ll only fit through standard door-frames, sideways.

Also ensure your shoulders are thinly padded. You should show off your own physique, instead of creating some pseudo-masculine, polyester-cushioned version of one. A suit's not meant to be a costume. It's not dress-up day at work and you’re going as a ‘MAN’. The suit is meant to sharpen your own blokey form.

Finally, on the topic of the sleeve: show some! It’s a sign of good tailoring, to be able to see a bit of cuff. That is unless you have decided to be a fucking 'individual' again and adorn it with a novelty Spider and/or Bat-man cufflink, in which case you have just nullified any cred some good-tailoring offered you. Help me, help you, for fark's (Aus.) sake!

Tailoring (‘Tay-law-eng’)

Go for a one or two-button closure with narrow lapels. You don’t want to look like you’re a kinky-sicko in a grey wool-blend corset, but you do need a wee bit of closeness at the waist. The suit needs to look like it is even just moderately involved with the contours of *your* body and not just Kmart’s size ‘M’.

Length: it matters.

To go with the elongated trimmed-down silhouette, jackets are now shorter so you don’t look like #longcolumnbodywithshortlegsfreakyman. You should be able to easily cup your hands beneath the hem of the jacket. If you can’t (i.e. your jacket is too long) then you probably look like a fucking hobbit.

Total pants

Your pants should also be slim (trim), with a flat front (i.e. no pleats/darts). The leg should skim the top of your shoe. I should only see your super-quirky-(I have PERSONALITY)-socks when you sit down.

Patterns: Must you, for fuck’s sake?

Finally, before I wrap this up (because GQ can take care of the rest of the mundane tailoring info. Their writers get paid), best to stick to non-patterned suits. However, if you feel like people need to see your really fucking unique dynamism shining though your clothing choices i.e. you’re gagging for some pattern; avoid looking like Elton John’s even gayer second cousin [Big] Rod John and go for a very subtle plaid. Definitely no stripes.

Ok, back to the rare quality viewing on the box.