Despite
being seen as an international/monumental bitch, I am in fact a staunch
nationalist, and very proud of being born and living in this great country of
ours: Melbourne. As a Melburnian
(Australian second) I feel a wee bit shit about this next post.
I
know you poor pricks, aka countrymen, have been crying out for a true ‘[what to
wear in] summer’ post. However, I need
to deliver this next post first for two reasons that are more important to me
than being Melburnian/Australian.
Firstly,
I have learnt to never give men what they ask for. They just don’t appreciate it.
Secondly,
I have been trying to give birth to this huge fucking blog- spawn for
months. I have had trouble delivering
this reluctant progeny due to some serious writer's block! Part of the problem
seems to be that the symbiotic relationship between my writing and booze has
been broken. Even getting completely
smashed (usually a guaranteed catalyst for getting the rant flowing) is
producing little more than regrettable text messages and a hangover like
Beelzebub himself shat on my brain.
However,
the Mistress is no defeatist, so here is *that* post.
This
was meant to come in quick succession after the suit post,
but I think that a shirt post is always pertinent, because a lot of you poor
bastards have PROPER jobs that require you to wear a shirt every day.
Moreover,
some of you even more miserable cunts get dragged to formal events, and then of
course there’s the abomination of our contemporary social scene: the night
club. To attend this anus of an
establishment, you naturally feel obliged to dress like a wanker in a ridiculously
patterned shirt, hoping the garish design will catch a drunken slapper’s
obtuse, hazy gaze amongst the sea of other desperate dicks.
Yes,
alas a wind [machine] blown shirt revealing a glossy, waxed chest in a
boy-bands latest film clip isn’t the only time this item of clothing has caused
a little bit of sick to come up in to my mouth.
Some shirts (wind-swept, wet, being torn from the body or otherwise) are
down-right nauseating to those of us with a particular sensitivity to the
‘fashion-fail’.
So, here
are some tips and options for your long-sleeve, buttoned-up, collared shirt
selection. I’m
going to look at two categories of long-sleeve shirt here: the business shirt and the smart-[leaning on
the side of] casual shirt.
Business
or formal shirt:
The cut:
Well this mantra will be
etched on the Mistress’ tombstone: ‘SLIM, NOT SKINNY’ (along with ‘If You’re
Reading This, Please Move, You’re Standing On My Tits’). Slim fit, like it is for pants,
jeans, suits, etc. is all about a neat, tapered cut. It’s not about something that clings so
tightly to your chest that your nipples become an intrinsic part of the shirt’s
design. Be classy and create a little
bit of ambiguity about your muscle tone
(or lack thereof) in the workplace and
aim for a shirt that has a little room for movement over the chest and arms,
but tapers for a closer more flattering fit at the waist. You should not look like you’re modelling a
male-stripper’s interpretation of ‘business man’. The pic below, blatantly
stolen from ThomasPink, aptly employs a twat in a daggy tie to illustrate
this sizing concept.
The colour/pattern:
Plain coloured shirts will
always be your ‘tofu and 3 veg’(Mistress eats no meat) of the businessman’s
clothing pile. A white shirt has a deep
history in summarising a man who does more work with his noggin than his hands
(apparently this is *still* a man, just not one that can fix shit) and
therefore could wear white without looking more soiled than a mattress on a
nature-strip in Frankston.
However, let’s face it, you
guys are generally slobs and/or sweaters so white can be problematic. Light
blue, light pink and grey can be a good option without being too radical. In terms of patterning; stripes are generally
passé. Checks are still do-able but if
you’re a large dude, this is going to add about 10 superfluous k-g’s to your
physique, so stick to plain colours. If
you do go for a check shirt, make sure your checks are not just made-up of a
single thin line of an insipid, light colour or your shirt will just look
washed-out and ordinary. If you’re going
to check; then check boldly, for fuck’s sake! See some examples of good
check shirts below.
 |
| ASOS Double Cuff Shirt -white |
 |
| TM Lewin Slim Fit Lilac Herringbone Shirt |
 |
| ASOS Smart Shirt With Double Cuff-Dark Grey |
 |
| TM Lewin Slim Fit Navy Check Shirt |
 |
| TM Lewin Slim Fit Pink Check Shirt |
 |
| ASOS Slim Shirt With Square Collar |
 |
| TM Lewin Slim Fit Pink Pinpoint Shirt |
Casual
shirts:
The fit:
A more casual shirt can be
worn a little bigger that the slim-cut if you feel so inclined, however in
this case you cannot tuck it in and generally it looks better buttoned to the collar(or
as near as you can bear; ‘I feel like I’m choking!’ etc. Fucking sooks!). I don’t make the rules; I just get much
delight in sadistically enforcing them.
If you ‘tuck in’ anything but a slim cut shirt, you will look like a
Mr Men[- man] i.e. a bulbous torso and stick legs. When you wear a loose-cut shirt out, button to the collar or it just looks ill-fitting. Advice: if you are already confused by these rules, or still throwing a little mental tanty over the idea of doing up some fucking buttons,
just stick to a slimmer (slightly) fitting shirt.
The colour/pattern:
Well, you have a bit to work
with here. Most colours and patterns are tolerable in a casual, collared shirt.
However, avoid anything too gimmicky or gaudy in your patterns. I wish
this instruction was unnecessary, but alas I feel like I still need to tell you
to avoid floral patterns
(unless of course you’re a wanker). And
as it is with ties and boxer shorts; no comic-like caricatures (like
durr)! Also, although there are a few
exceptions, generally stay clear of stripes and spots. Stripes and spots are just too risky for the
fashion-novice to pick a shirt with this patterning that doesn't make you look like one of those weird dudes that makes flowers and poodles out of phallic-shaped
balloons.
Chambray/denim
and check shirts are, as they have been for a while, still a sure, sexy, cool
option and as a bonus, just look better with age and regular rough
treatment. A good denim or check shirt
will only improve with having been rescued from the cesspool of alcoholic
spillage under a table in a beer garden or from the front lawn where it resided
for a week after a party. Or the worst
treatment of all...a man’s laundering.
 |
| Minimum Large Check Long Sleeve Shirt |
 |
| Minimum denim shirt |
 |
| Stapleford Denim Workshirt |
 |
| Suit Block Colour Shirt |
 |
| Minimum Heavy Check Shirt |
 |
| Virgin Poets Society-A Trovata Project Allover Print Shirt |
 |
| Virgin Poets Society A Trovata Project Flannel Plaid Shirt |
 |
| ASOS Denim Shirt |
 |
| Lyle and Scott Vintage Shirt in Oxford Cotton |
 |
| Ben Sherman Clerkenwell Collar Shirt |
 |
| Charles and a half Dip-Dyed Chambray Shirt |
 |
| Classic Vanishing Elephant long sleeve shirt Aztec Print |
 |
| Staple Newbold Oxford Shirt |
 |
| Vanishing Elephant MIRAMAR Blue Denim |
Ok,
so that’s the shirt post done for another year.
For more on the topic of button-up shirts check out the ‘Dress Code: NotSo Smart-Casual’ post . I will now get to work on a ‘summer’ post for
you poor bastards passed out in a pool of sweat somewhere, whilst you pitifully
wait for some tyrannic instruction on your t’shirt and short selection.
