You Give Me The Shirts! The button-up/collared shirt post

Despite being seen as an international/monumental bitch, I am in fact a staunch nationalist, and very proud of being born and living in this great country of ours: Melbourne.  As a Melburnian (Australian second) I feel a wee bit shit about this next post.

I know you poor pricks, aka countrymen, have been crying out for a true ‘[what to wear in] summer’ post.  However, I need to deliver this next post first for two reasons that are more important to me than being Melburnian/Australian.

Firstly, I have learnt to never give men what they ask for.  They just don’t appreciate it. 

Secondly, I have been trying to give birth to this huge fucking blog- spawn for months.  I have had trouble delivering this reluctant progeny due to some serious writer's block! Part of the problem seems to be that the symbiotic relationship between my writing and booze has been broken.  Even getting completely smashed (usually a guaranteed catalyst for getting the rant flowing) is producing little more than regrettable text messages and a hangover like Beelzebub himself shat on my brain. 

However, the Mistress is no defeatist, so here is *that* post.

This was meant to come in quick succession after the suit post, but I think that a shirt post is always pertinent, because a lot of you poor bastards have PROPER jobs that require you to wear a shirt every day. 

Moreover, some of you even more miserable cunts get dragged to formal events, and then of course there’s the abomination of our contemporary social scene: the night club.  To attend this anus of an establishment, you naturally feel obliged to dress like a wanker in a ridiculously patterned shirt, hoping the garish design will catch a drunken slapper’s obtuse, hazy gaze amongst the sea of other desperate dicks. 

Yes, alas a wind [machine] blown shirt revealing a glossy, waxed chest in a boy-bands latest film clip isn’t the only time this item of clothing has caused a little bit of sick to come up in to my mouth.  Some shirts (wind-swept, wet, being torn from the body or otherwise) are down-right nauseating to those of us with a particular sensitivity to the ‘fashion-fail’.  

So, here are some tips and options for your long-sleeve, buttoned-up, collared shirt selection.  I’m going to look at two categories of long-sleeve shirt here:  the business shirt and the smart-[leaning on the side of] casual shirt.

Business or formal shirt: 

The cut:

Well this mantra will be etched on the Mistress’ tombstone: ‘SLIM, NOT SKINNY’ (along with ‘If You’re Reading This, Please Move, You’re Standing On My Tits’).  Slim fit, like it is for pants, jeans, suits, etc. is all about a neat, tapered cut.  It’s not about something that clings so tightly to your chest that your nipples become an intrinsic part of the shirt’s design.  Be classy and create a little bit of ambiguity about your muscle  tone (or lack thereof)  in the workplace and aim for a shirt that has a little room for movement over the chest and arms, but tapers for a closer more flattering fit at the waist.   You should not look like you’re modelling a male-stripper’s interpretation of ‘business man’. The pic below, blatantly stolen from ThomasPink, aptly employs a twat in a daggy tie to illustrate this sizing concept.

 The colour/pattern:

Plain coloured shirts will always be your ‘tofu and 3 veg’(Mistress eats no meat) of the businessman’s clothing pile.  A white shirt has a deep history in summarising a man who does more work with his noggin than his hands (apparently this is *still* a man, just not one that can fix shit) and therefore could wear white without looking more soiled than a mattress on a nature-strip in Frankston. 

However, let’s face it, you guys are generally slobs and/or sweaters so white can be problematic. Light blue, light pink and grey can be a good option without being too radical.  In terms of patterning; stripes are generally passé.  Checks are still do-able but if you’re a large dude, this is going to add about 10 superfluous k-g’s to your physique, so stick to plain colours.  If you do go for a check shirt, make sure your checks are not just made-up of a single thin line of an insipid, light colour or your shirt will just look washed-out and ordinary.  If you’re going to check; then check boldly, for fuck’s sake! See some examples of good check shirts below.

ASOS Double Cuff Shirt -white

TM Lewin Slim Fit Lilac Herringbone Shirt

ASOS Smart Shirt With Double Cuff-Dark Grey

TM Lewin Slim Fit Navy Check Shirt

TM Lewin Slim Fit Pink Check Shirt

ASOS Slim Shirt With Square Collar

TM Lewin Slim Fit Pink Pinpoint Shirt

 Casual shirts:

The fit:

A more casual shirt can be worn a little bigger that the slim-cut if you feel so inclined, however in this case you cannot tuck it in and generally it looks better buttoned to the collar(or as near as you can bear; ‘I feel like I’m choking!’ etc. Fucking sooks!).  I don’t make the rules; I just get much delight in sadistically enforcing them.  If you ‘tuck in’ anything but a slim cut shirt, you will look like a Mr Men[- man] i.e. a bulbous torso and stick legs.  When you wear a loose-cut shirt out, button to the collar or it just looks ill-fitting.  Advice: if you are already confused by these rules, or still throwing a little mental tanty over the idea of doing up some fucking buttons, just stick to a slimmer (slightly) fitting shirt.

The colour/pattern:

Well, you have a bit to work with here.  Most colours and patterns are tolerable in a casual, collared shirt.  However, avoid anything too gimmicky or gaudy in your patterns. I wish this instruction was unnecessary, but alas I feel like I still need to tell you to avoid floral patterns (unless of course you’re a wanker).  And as it is with ties and boxer shorts; no comic-like caricatures (like durr)!   Also, although there are a few exceptions, generally stay clear of stripes and spots.  Stripes and spots are just too risky for the fashion-novice to pick a shirt with this patterning that doesn't make you look like one of those weird dudes that makes flowers and poodles out of phallic-shaped balloons.

Chambray/denim and check shirts are, as they have been for a while, still a sure, sexy, cool option and as a bonus, just look better with age and regular rough treatment.  A good denim or check shirt will only improve with having been rescued from the cesspool of alcoholic spillage under a table in a beer garden or from the front lawn where it resided for a week after a party.  Or the worst treatment of all...a man’s laundering.

Minimum Large Check Long Sleeve Shirt

Minimum denim shirt

Stapleford Denim Workshirt

Suit Block Colour Shirt

Minimum Heavy Check Shirt

Virgin Poets Society-A Trovata Project Allover Print Shirt

Virgin Poets Society A Trovata Project Flannel Plaid Shirt

ASOS Denim Shirt

Lyle and Scott Vintage Shirt in Oxford Cotton

Ben Sherman Clerkenwell Collar Shirt

Charles and a half Dip-Dyed Chambray Shirt

Classic Vanishing Elephant long sleeve shirt Aztec Print

Staple Newbold Oxford Shirt

Vanishing Elephant MIRAMAR Blue Denim

Ok, so that’s the shirt post done for another year.  For more on the topic of button-up shirts check out the ‘Dress Code: NotSo Smart-Casual’ post .  I will now get to work on a ‘summer’ post for you poor bastards passed out in a pool of sweat somewhere, whilst you pitifully wait for some tyrannic instruction on your t’shirt and short selection.

'Blazing the Joint': The Blazer Post

Blazers are not just for Olympians, posh-school kids and pricks who drink Pimms.  

No.  

I am here to tell you that blazers, like someone else doing your washing, works for every man.  The next time you’re at that sort of gathering, where there's no TV on and you’re expected to drink your beer out of a glass or some shit, look around the room for the dude in the blazer.  However, this time don’t hurl a prawn-tail as you mouth ‘wanker’ at him.  No, this time I want you to acknowledge the ‘power of the blazer’.   Whilst you’re preoccupied with perfecting your seafood refuse throwing technique, he is exuding some irresistible magnetism to all the ladies in the room.  Two Chardy’s later, those drunken lushes will fall victim to the blazer. 

‘Why(?!)’: you’re thinking, when this dude is clearly a big girly-twat, does he have the chick-pull of man who embodies a shoe-sale and a pack of Tim-Tams all in one?

Well, two reasons:  

1. It’s because the blazer looks like you ‘give a shit’ without looking like you’re Karl fucking Lagerfield.  And this holds appeal for the ladies, because to be quite frank, we’re sick of putting in the mileage to look rocking-hot when your version of ‘making an effort’ is applying deodorant...maybe an added spray down the pants if you’re really wanting to impress.   So, if you thought ‘smart-casual’ was more elusive that the female orgasm, then a blazer will make you look relaxed, but neat (won’t help you locate the clitoris though). 
2. Blazers are actually really flattering.  That is, if you wear them as they should be worn; slim, following the natural line of your body.  If it fits well then it can create broad shoulders and a slim waist  i.e. bringing you that much closer to almost looking ‘masculine’.

Really; the key to looking good in a blazer is the fit.  So you don’t want to look like you’re wearing a blazer that once belonged to a Harlem Globetrotter, you need to make sure the blazer is quite a tailored slim fit.

The back should lay flat; the torso should taper inward to define your midsection, and the shoulders should end where your shoulders end.  Length-wise; an easy rule of thumb is to get the blazer to barely cover your ass, no matter how good it is.

Ok, some greasy-sweet blazers (below).  Remember: 'don't underestimate the power of the blazer..' (I choose to put on a Darth Vader voice when I say this, however, the choice is yours alone...). 

TOPMAN Blue Donkey Skinny Blazer

Selected House Blazer from ASOS

Ben Sherman Camden Tonic Jacket

PAM  Mixed Business Jacket in French Blue from Someday Store

ASOS Slim Fit Tweed Blazer

TOPMAN Mint Tweed Skinny Blazer

Weathered Blumenthal Blazer Green from INCU

Paul Smith Jeans Pocket Blazer

TOPMAN Pink Mario Heritage Blazer

Plectrum by Ben Sherman Two Button Blazer

TOPMAN Camel Cotton Heritage Blazer

 

Cardi-games: The ‘Winter [what the fuck do I] Wear’- Post #2

Cardigans.  This men’s clothing item has me seriously torn. 

I could only be in a deeper crisis of indecision if I was allowed a single pint (not so hypothetical as my reputation with bar security grows) in a pub with 3 dozen beers on tap.  

The problem is that many men who wear cardigans are such pretentious dickheads, that I find it nearly impossible to resist the urge to force-feed their multicoloured knit down their throat to make a deliciously twatty foie-gras out of their liver.   Luckily, it is merely a fantasy.  Despite my dubious inclinations, I am a woman of strong morals...and have a healthy fear of how my hair might look if I was sentenced to life in prison for murdering a hipster.   

So my dilemma is that despite the fact that a cardigan can be indicative of the wearer being a bit of a fucktard, I also think that men can look fa-sheezy in a decent cardi.  My ‘men-in-cardies’ attraction is either confirmation that I have a grandpa fetish (men are so delightfully malleable when senility sets in) or just that a comfy cardi; showing a bit of man-cleavage, can look like the epitome of ‘effortless sexy’ encapsulated in a wool-blend knit.  

I’ve always loved a man in a cardi as you can see in previous posts ('Play Your Card-igans Right').  Cardigans are actually great for showing off that which ‘ya mama gave ya’...or if your ‘mama’ was a bit stingy with the good genes, a cardigan can also conceal what 3 pints a day has ‘gave ya’.  A chunky-knit cardi can be very flattering by skimming forgivingly over your chunks, whilst still looking relaxed and casually-chic.

So, back to the predicament of attempting to don a cardi and still managing to strut the fine-line between dickhead and cool.  I have, as always, a wee bit of despotic fashion-direction for your reading-masochism:

1. Keep your cardigans simple and not too heavily patterned.  If you are feeling bold and/or high and do opt for a patterned cardi; keep it fairly monochromatic lest you look like the love-child of Jenny Kee and Ken Done. 
2. If your cardigan is patterned, make sure that your shirt underneath is plain or you might cause some sort of epileptic-fit for anyone who lays eyes upon your dizzying combo.  Make sure a patterned cardi is in a light weave/fabric, so it’s not too bulky and overwhelming.
3. I would recommend neutral, plain colours in chunky weaves i.e. a man’s cardi (if we can indulge the idea that there is such a thing).  Shawl collars (turn-down collars) on cardigans are still quite hip; they look adult and even ‘dapper’ (look in up; the word doesn't necessarily question your possession of testicles).   These cardies are the best option if your want to team them up with a collar shirt underneath, because they sort of look like a knitted blazer.

Check out some non-wankerish cardigan examples:

Lyle & Scott Heritage Sweat Cardigan

Uniforms For The Dedicated - The Kingsley Knitted Cardigan

Lyle and Scott Cardigan Riviera

Selected Cast Cardigan

Modern Amusement Shawl Neck Cardigan Navy (from Incu)

J.Lindeberg Lytrench coats Basic Cardigan

Lyle and Scott Jaquard detail cardigan

Suit - Fleck Waffle Knit Cardigan

Shore Leave - Blue Mixed Yarn Shawl Jacket (from Urban Outfitters)

Weathered Ethan Cardigan Rust (from Incu)

Woolrich Striped Jersey Shawl Neck Sweater

Topman Monochrome Pattern Cardigan

J. Lindeberg - Fred Fishermens Knit Lt Grey Melange

Putting your foot in it - The casual shoe post

I often think that men in my life would delight in me being padlocked into a rather stiff neck-brace.  No, the male contingent of my circle of friends is not dominated by sickos with some spinal-injury fetish...well not completely.  Its because on an encounter with a person of the opposed-sex (not a typo); the most scathing style-scrutiny occurs when I look down...

Despite my ability to produce over 1000 words a month of hard (but just) criticism of the average-Joe’s dress-[non]sense, I should (lest there is a special section of  hell reserved exclusively for  insatiably cruel fashionistas) admit that some men seem to get it ‘right’.   However, before you exhale with relief; most of you are still fucking-up on the footwear front. Unfortunately, despite the fact that a few blokes are dressing in a manner that won’t completely alienate you from civilized society; most of you are still generally clueless when it comes to choosing the right covering for your wee tootsy-toes.  Yes, your choice of footwear is more often than not, a complete cock-up.

You know what?  I do understand the issue. 

Footwear is a tough one to nail; and unlike the fairer sex, men have an obvious disadvantage on being able to choose the right [stylish] shoes because: 

1. you expect to be comfortable; and 
2. you don’t think about shoes 70% of your waking hours. 

So I understand how you struggle to appreciate the dire need to be fashionable (and not necessarily functional/comfortable) from the ankle down.   Having a stylishly-adorned torso is pointless when everyone can tell by your white canvas; elasticised pull-ons that the cool outfit was a one-off fluke and the shoes are really the true reflection of the bogan-esque tone of your wardrobe.

Yeah, he's a wanker, but like the thongs.

*Ok, just because I’m really deep down a generous individual who wants to be nice to you;  before I begin my monthly style-bollocking I will say; I like thongs (flip-flops, jandals...).  Wear thongs!  They are the gravy-noodles with jeans, chinos and shorts.  They lace any outfit with a relaxed feel that can be sexy in an effortless ‘I-really-don’t- try;-chic-just-comes-naturally-to-me’ type of way.  And I think this is the essential direction we are going for with your footwear: Relaxed-masculinity. 

I can picture you there; mulling over this concept of ‘relaxed-masculinity’ as you ease back on to the couch with your hand down your pants.  However, before you decide that a transition into this fashion-concept will be a piece of piss because it doesn’t seem like a huge leap from ‘apathetic-masculinity’ which you have nailed; I have news for you...

Relaxed-masculinity in footwear means you are aiming for a look that is neat; adult; slightly sporty (in a skateboard-y type of way) and/or bohemian (in a arty or hippy-with-cash-and-a-concern-for-bodily-hygiene type of way).   So let’s look at some footwear that can’t be described in these terms and should be banished from that pile of shoes near the front-door (the footwear-storage method of choice for most men).  To speed this selection process up; I am going to put it out there that anything that Don Johnson would have worn in ‘Miami Vice’ DOES NOT fall into my version of relaxed-masculinity.  Footwear that looks like you would wear it:

1. on a boat; or 
2. as you lean against a beach-side bar whist sipping a daiquiri 

needs to be immediately culled from the shoe-pile.

In case we don’t share the same mental picture with from this description; what I’m talking about alienating from the world of your feet are e.g. white slip on canvas shoes; plimsolls or deck /boat shoes.  These are a girly, wussy and/or sleezy variety of footwear and should be avoided. 

Elasticised-pull-on footwear are for humans who are yet to master the tricky art of ‘tying your own shoe-laces’ or geriatrics who if they spend any amount of time groping around at their feet tying laces may never experience a vertical position again.   Those canvas pull-ons scream a very unattractive level of apathy for any seemingly able man donning these butt-fuglies. 

I also hate boat shoes.  I don’t care that they facilitate the otherwise impossible feat of walking on a boat; I am not convinced they weren’t created for the single purpose of making men completely undesirable.  Clearly they were designed by some covert government body to retard population growth because the wearer is never getting laid.  This ridiculously unsexy footwear is only surpassed by castration for instantly emasculating a dude. 

The term ‘plimsoll’ can cover a multitude of sneaker style’s, but the fuckers I’m referring to in my hit-list are the rubberised low-profile (low cut) sand shoe. They’re just so common.  ‘Common’ is in the same fashion-silage-tank as ‘comfortable’ in my opinion.  Plimsolls seem to be the mindless default for anyone attempting to be ‘hip’.  The mutha of fails in the category of plimsolls are the white, pointy-toe versions infesting the shoe-dept shelves of the Kmart nearest to you.  Come on, be men for fuck’s sake! Plimsolls make your feet look girly.

So now that I’ve pissed all over a couple of your favourite casual choices; lets start restocking the shoe pile(Note: the above mentioned should now been fuelling a hallucinogenic rubbery inferno in your backyard). 

Clarks Original Saddle-Leather Collection By Ronnie Fieg-Desert Boot

F-Troupe Crepe Sole Canvas Desert Boots (Asos.com)

Ok, well firstly I have a bit of a penchant for the old ankle boot/trainer.  No I’m not a spruiker for Clarks (creators of the desert boots), but, yes; I would pimp myself out to any label throwing some dollars my way.  The fact is I just like the way that adding an inch to a trainer/sand shoe etc, makes it a little smarter; more adult; more masculine and allows the shoe to even transcend into a smart-casual context.  So this style of shoe, doesn’t necessarily have to be a heavy boot, more suited to winter, but can also be a great lightweight, cool and casual accessory for summer.  Most of the examples I’m going to show you can be worn with a short; dress sock, or without, particularly the espadrille and moccasins can be worn, at the risk of a fungal outbreak, without socks and be a great substitute for the chunder-inducing boat-shoe. 





 

blue espadrille (Topman.com)

McQueen shoes by Clae.com

McQueen shoes by Clae.com

Northern Cobbler Dorab Suede Shoes (Asos.com)

River Island Chambray Mid-Top Trainers (Asos.com)

Jack & Jones Intelligence Danner Chukka Boots (Asos.c

For those who think the ankle boot or high-top trainer is a wee bit too  Dutch voortrekker or Flavor Flav;  I’ve also included some images of chukka boots, which are an even lower cut (but not quite a sand shoe) and can be worn with an ankle-sock or free-toeing.  On the topic of ankle-socks: avoid socks that are too chunky or have sports symbols on the band.  They detract from the shoe.  Your socks should be subtle to invisible; this is not an opportunity to promote the fact that you have successfully paired the elusive fuckers up post-laundering, and thus are domesticated/good-husband material. 

Romeo (Camper.com)

Lacoste Ampthill MB Leather Chukka Boots (Asos.com)

K3 (Camper.com)

9/65 bayside moccasin chukka boots (seavees.com)

Camper Classic shoe ROMEO (Camper.com)

The ‘sand-shoe’/trainers I’ve suggested as MenWTW-approved footwear are chunkier and rounder in the toes than your girly-boy plimsolls.  I’m digging the dressier trainers that look like a sneaker-brogue hybrid.  Once again they’re a bit more adult and could even be worn in the work place if you are a twatty-tosser creative-type e.g. a graphic designer or any occupation for which wearing chunky dark-framed glasses to assist with your 20-20 vision is mandatory.

Thrash Crepe Sole Shoe (Topman.com)

Madero (Vans.net.au)

Toms Desert Oxford Canvas Shoes (Asos.com)

Diesel Nora Canvas Trainers (Asos.com)

*Note:  shoes are a huge topic; so in this month’s post I’m just focusing on casual to smart-casual footwear.  I’ll endeavour to skinny-dip in the murky waters of formal footwear in next month’s post.