Hat’s the way I like it -The Hat Post

Delivering this post has been like giving birth to a particularly ugly 40pound baby.  Fucking hard work and just not sure if what I produce will just make me cringe. 

I had a cry-out for a post on hats from a bunch of blokes, but the problem is, I fear their interest was born out of a desire to have their heads remain warm. Bahhh! If I learn you guys anything it must be that practicality and comfort should not be a driving force in your clothing choice!  Comfort is like a G-rated porno; you could put it on when you’re hanging out with your wife or mum, but it’s not going to get anyone excited.  

That said, despite comfort being your motivation for wanting to know more about manly-millenary products; fortunately hats are not just practical i.e. for covering up a chilly or bald scalp, they can also make you look like a bit of a spunk-muffin. 

This gets me back to why this post was harder than a nipple in the Antarctic to write.   It seems that so few can pull off a hat without looking like you have the fashion-cred of a Mormon.  I didn’t want to give the go ahead to wearing hats, and have you; my minion, looking like shit.  I was actually really hard pushed to find examples of hats that I could recommend with a clear conscious.  

However,  with wine dulling the visual assault that a wee bit of world wide webbing produced; I managed to wade through a sea of shit that are the hat-equivalents of writing ‘cunt’ with a permanent marker across your forehead and have found you some noggin-hugging specimens that could make you look down-right sexy.   

Although these days men are often pretty scared of wearing a hat (and not just because I suggested the chance of you looking like a dick in one is at least 20:1); in the 1930s, 40s, and parts of the 50s, a man without a hat was as [fully] dressed as a dude leaving the house in only Y-fronts.    However, by the 1960s, hat wearing fell off, partly as a result of longer hairstyles, cars and J.F.K being such a hotty with a full head of hair who shunned the hat.

A bit of a shame really because there is something definitely masculine about wearing a hat.  Another bonus is by wearing a hat you can drag out having to fork out a neat $80 to get a hair-dresser to fuck up your hair for at least an extra 3 weeks. Cool.  Wear a hat and spend that money on beer! 

You’re hair looks like shit? No prob, put on a hat!

You have a case of dandruff that looks like you used bread-crumbs as your styling product du jour?  No prob, put on a hat!

So, which hats?

Well unless you’re 1980’s Tom Selleck (who can do no fashion-wrong) I would avoid the straw fedora or trilby.  In fact steer clear of either these hats when made out of woven material lest you look like a 50 year old prick, who wears sandals and drinks beverages with fucking umbrellas in them, in some developing nation tourist dive.   You know; bad.  Vintage woollen (etc) trilbys and fedoras are ok, but don’t combine them with a complete retro-styled outfit  (you know you’re not a secretary-rogering  misogynist from Mad Men, don’t you?).  Combine this quite formal hat with a casual relaxed, long-sleeved t’shirt...and a beard.  Yes, a beard. Because I like them.  Why does it all have to be about you? 

Pork-pie hats in wool can look ok too, but wear them with a sense of play/irony.  Once again combine them with a really casual outfit: a t’shirt and even a cardi...and a beard.

Beanies, flat caps and snap backs all are all much less problematic and can be pulled off by most (particularly those with a beard). With caps/snap backs; just make sure they’re a good fit i.e. not too big or you’ll look like carni whose vocation is driving a miniature train.

Below. Pics. Check them.

Flat cap -  Lizzie Lock Millinery (ASOS Marketplace)

Paisley Baseball Snap Back Cap URBAN OUTFITTERS

Krew Beanie-Kemmel (ASOS Marketplace)

I Love Ugly 5-Panel Cap Navy Park Print (COMEBACK KID)

Grey Flecked Baker Boy Hat (URBAN OUTFITTERS)

Grey & White Cable Knit Hand Knitted Bobble Beanie (Vintage) (ASOS Marketplace)

Wesc Flat Cap-Kemmel (ASOS Marketplace)

Grand Scheme - Duck Canvas Snap Back (BLACK ANCHOR COLLECTIVE)

Zaini 'Colonsay' Beanie hat-Zaini (ASOS Marketplace)

Discrete Clothing Co. - Brown Corduroy 5 Panel (BLACK ANCHOR COLLECTIVE)

Peaked wool cap PHEASANT by CAMPAIGN (GRAND SOCIAL)

Converse Beanie Hat - Kemmel (Vintage) (ASOS Marketplace)

Cardi-games: The ‘Winter [what the fuck do I] Wear’- Post #2

Cardigans.  This men’s clothing item has me seriously torn. 

I could only be in a deeper crisis of indecision if I was allowed a single pint (not so hypothetical as my reputation with bar security grows) in a pub with 3 dozen beers on tap.  

The problem is that many men who wear cardigans are such pretentious dickheads, that I find it nearly impossible to resist the urge to force-feed their multicoloured knit down their throat to make a deliciously twatty foie-gras out of their liver.   Luckily, it is merely a fantasy.  Despite my dubious inclinations, I am a woman of strong morals...and have a healthy fear of how my hair might look if I was sentenced to life in prison for murdering a hipster.   

So my dilemma is that despite the fact that a cardigan can be indicative of the wearer being a bit of a fucktard, I also think that men can look fa-sheezy in a decent cardi.  My ‘men-in-cardies’ attraction is either confirmation that I have a grandpa fetish (men are so delightfully malleable when senility sets in) or just that a comfy cardi; showing a bit of man-cleavage, can look like the epitome of ‘effortless sexy’ encapsulated in a wool-blend knit.  

I’ve always loved a man in a cardi as you can see in previous posts ('Play Your Card-igans Right').  Cardigans are actually great for showing off that which ‘ya mama gave ya’...or if your ‘mama’ was a bit stingy with the good genes, a cardigan can also conceal what 3 pints a day has ‘gave ya’.  A chunky-knit cardi can be very flattering by skimming forgivingly over your chunks, whilst still looking relaxed and casually-chic.

So, back to the predicament of attempting to don a cardi and still managing to strut the fine-line between dickhead and cool.  I have, as always, a wee bit of despotic fashion-direction for your reading-masochism:

1. Keep your cardigans simple and not too heavily patterned.  If you are feeling bold and/or high and do opt for a patterned cardi; keep it fairly monochromatic lest you look like the love-child of Jenny Kee and Ken Done. 
2. If your cardigan is patterned, make sure that your shirt underneath is plain or you might cause some sort of epileptic-fit for anyone who lays eyes upon your dizzying combo.  Make sure a patterned cardi is in a light weave/fabric, so it’s not too bulky and overwhelming.
3. I would recommend neutral, plain colours in chunky weaves i.e. a man’s cardi (if we can indulge the idea that there is such a thing).  Shawl collars (turn-down collars) on cardigans are still quite hip; they look adult and even ‘dapper’ (look in up; the word doesn't necessarily question your possession of testicles).   These cardies are the best option if your want to team them up with a collar shirt underneath, because they sort of look like a knitted blazer.

Check out some non-wankerish cardigan examples:

Lyle & Scott Heritage Sweat Cardigan

Uniforms For The Dedicated - The Kingsley Knitted Cardigan

Lyle and Scott Cardigan Riviera

Selected Cast Cardigan

Modern Amusement Shawl Neck Cardigan Navy (from Incu)

J.Lindeberg Lytrench coats Basic Cardigan

Lyle and Scott Jaquard detail cardigan

Suit - Fleck Waffle Knit Cardigan

Shore Leave - Blue Mixed Yarn Shawl Jacket (from Urban Outfitters)

Weathered Ethan Cardigan Rust (from Incu)

Woolrich Striped Jersey Shawl Neck Sweater

Topman Monochrome Pattern Cardigan

J. Lindeberg - Fred Fishermens Knit Lt Grey Melange

Sweats & Hoods: The ‘Winter [what the fuck do I] Wear’- Post #1

Note: To any of you who have had the thought that they wished I would just 'shut the fuck up': I am here to let you know, I am willing to meet you half-way.

The new deal: I will be saying less...BUT more often!

You see, it is one of my many charmingly (quirky) qualities that I find holding-down a serious, full-time occupation fundamentally oppositional to the very core of my being.  Thus I don’t fully appreciate what it’s like attempting to read my monthly 2000-word tirade against the outfit you’re currently wearing, before your boss notices you’ve done fuck-all in the last 20mins to warrant getting paid. So as a gesture of empathy for my overworked, time-starved and illiterate readers, I am going to give you shorter posts, but now I'm going to bring-it on a weekly basis!

[I’m going to have to pull my finger out, to pull this off weekly! Maybe even sober up...]

The ‘Winter [what the fuck do I] Wear’- Post #1

So here in Australia its getting a tad chilly.  An Aussie winter is a challenging 3 weeks which inevitably sorts the men from the boys i.e. those yet to push-out some ‘fashion-pubes’ .   

I know in the past, I have made little mystery of the fact I don’t see ‘comfort’ as a key player in the success of an outfit.  In fashion, I see ‘comfort’ as the ugly, dull mate, who is never going to help pull the chicks at the pub, but only drinks light-beer and so can drive (drunk-)you home.  So what I'm saying is; I suppose 'comfort' is ok to have loitering around in your wardrobe.  It can be handy for those days when you’re under-the-weather/hung-over and buttoning up a shirt seems as complicated as explaining the non-determinacy of quantum mechanics.   

So for the first of a few winter posts I'll be churning out; I’m going to give you some good (comfortable) sweat-shirt and hoodie (hood) options perfect for the Oz winter....and the British summer.

Just some tips before I let your eyeballs loose on some good ‘sweat’/’hood’ examples:

1. Avoid wearing your sweat and hoodie too loose or you’ll look like you’re about to bust-out a rap about how you grew up in a trailer park and now you’re driving a Ferrari filled with ‘hot bitches’ etc.  However, wearing it too tight can look like you’ve been raiding the scabie-paradise of the lost-property bin at the local primary school.  Aim for a comfortable happy-medium; a sort of retro-fit; circa late 70’s/early 80’s.

2. Be careful when selecting sweatshirts or hoodies with designs or logos on them.  Particularly in the case of hoodies; they can make you look like a try-hard or appear as if you’re in the midst of a scary midlife-crisis and just about take up wearing a cap backwards and start riding a BMX.  If you are going to dare a design on your sweat,  then make sure it’s not too fucking retro or ‘ironic’, lest you be perceived as a twatty hipster.  You’d get less flack brandishing a Swastika across your chest, or [the catchy phrase] ‘Which one of you cupcakes wants to come over to my place, cook me dinner, and then give me a blowjob?’ than wearing a sweatshirt with Micky-Mouse or some shit on it.  Even hipsters hate hipsters.

So, some cool sweatshirts and hoodies:

PAM Jackhrd Bomber Jacket - SomeDay Store

Warriors Of Radness Blue Zip Through Sweater

Humör Crew Neck Sweater

My Yard Exclusive Bandana Sweat

Handsom Contrast Sleeve Jumper in Orange

Lyle & Scott Navy Zip Through Hoodie

Maharishi Lock Raglan Crew Sweat

My Yard Nordic Tribe Crew Neck Pocket Sweat Grey Marl

Polo Ralph Lauren V Insert Crew Neck Sweat

Penfield Burgundy Shawl Aquinnah Sweater

Topman Dark Green Raglan Plain Sweat

Carhartt Slash Navy Melange Sweater

Red Vintage Treated Ryder Sweat by Marc By Marc Jacobs

Edwin Crewneck Sweatshirt

Topman Grey Marl Flecked Print Sweat

My Yard Villains Crew Neck Sweat

Next week’s post ‘Which Jumpers and Cardies That Don’t Make You Look Like Someone Even Your Nan Would Want To Beat Up’.

The Scarf Post

Our favourite lovely beard-with-a-man-attached
is wearing an oversized fabric scarf in The Muffler tie.

‘Her of The Harsh-but-Fair’ has been struggling over this latest style-spouting for a few weeks now.  The main reason for the long and painful labour in giving birth to this beautiful bouncing post (no, you guessed right; I did not opt for a natural birth) was that the battery in my laptop has been diagnosed (by this here com-put-er savant) as being terminally crook (‘scuse the techno babble).  This meant; like an electric car, I could only work within a couple minutes of a power point. 

This is a major problem, you ask?

I know this may surprise my readers; but these posts are not the result of me sitting with a cuppa on the couch surrounded by men's style-mags and a Best and Less catalogue (of course I don’t even own a couch because the slovenly position this form of seating promotes, causes the creasing of your clothing.  Also, if there were no couches in the world, I’m convinced we wouldn’t have Slankets. I'm just glad Coco Chanel isn't alive today to see the unholy dissemination of the snuggie-blankie-blanket-with-sleeves.  The creators will be judged...mark my word!)  

No, I tell you! I’m no hypocrite!  How can I preach against comfortable clothing (in exchange for style) if I myself am in my tracky-daks as I write?   In fact my posts are in the most part the natural result of me sitting in a number of Melbourne’s fantastic watering-holes (that have decided their elegant-dining/drinking credibility is worth jepodising for the financial gain of attracting boozers with the introduction of a happy hour)drawing upon the rich stimulus that is: dags in a chardy/corona-swilling frenzy.  This is where I identify the true fashion ‘needs’ in our society…

However, this genuine and valid excuse for my blog-tardiness; (my ‘blardiness’) has not freed me from an almost debilitating guilt, because whilst I have had my head down around peoples knees in bars (girls can get away with this) in my eternal search for power points, there have been heinous fashion crimes occurring up around peoples necks… 

So, here: for those people whose cries for help I can block out with wine anymore; here is The Scarf post.

Now; I don't want to stray from the light-hearted (lest I say mildly amusing) tone that has defined this blog in the past, but scarves; unfortunately there is nothing funny about scarves.  In fact the topic of ‘scarves’ presents the sort of emotionally sensitive issue that we Australians find near impossible to openly discuss (due to our penchant for banter and/or not talking (men)).  So instead, we try and ignore what’s going on around many Australian’s necks for two months of the year; hoping we can endure our icy 17 degree (celsius) temperatures whilst living with the crime most of us are committing against the noble art of scarfing.

As you may have gathered from the innate wisdom and insight present in previous posts; your writer (aka guru, leader…friend…) is a woman of the world.  Yes, dear reader, I have encountered many cultures and nationalities and thus can make some fairly objectives observations on the Australian population.  Of course we are world-renown for our level of attractiveness; sublime bodies and general ‘up-for-it-ness’, however, we have but one national flaw: we generally look like dick heads in scarves.  

However, we shouldn’t give up on a bit of neck bling because it scares us…it will only take a few tips to learn how to wear some fabric around your neck like one of these dudes (see pictures…that illustrate my point better and in less than the 1000+ words here.  See, his is why the world needs models!). 



The 'snood'



Although you simple-practically-minded gentlemen see winter as the only time to (in desperation) drag out that hideous entrail of fleece;  a scarf, like a woman, is in fact for every season.  You can even wear a bit of neck-flare in summer with a light-jersey ‘snood’.  Yes, that’s right; a ‘snood’: a scarf/hood (a loop of fabric) that you must NEVER wear as a ‘hood’ (despite the temptation the name presents) unless you are at a medieval-role-play gathering in which case I pray you would not be a follow of this blog anyway, otherwise my perceived target-audience is WAY off!  The benefit of a snood is that you can aptly wear the bastard without feeling like you need a Scout’s knotting badge to follow the fashion trend.  You just loop the snood (freaking love that word!) several times around your neck and tighten the loops if you are chilly (or suicidal) and wear loose on a warmer day….



Great for warmer weather too, to cover a
girly chest.



Ok, on-to the tricky traditional strip of fabric (hmmm yeah, a real Rubiks challenge)…The Scarf:

There are a number of ways to tie a scarf, but you will be very relieved to know that all the tricky knots actually make you look like a twat, so you can forget the Parisian Knot or even the Once-around Knot.  In fact NO knotting!  Instead; how to wear your scarf at the moment is just thrown around the neck at different levels of tension (wow, I can’t believe I’m using this many words to explain how to put a strip of fabric around a neck. I feel like a freaking conceptual artist; wanking-on in a 2000 word statement about the white box I’d just got a grant to make).

So you have two ways you are allowed to wear your scarf:

The Muffler (for winter or wusses):

'The Muffler.'

People of all race, nationality and

ethnicity can wear scarves.  In fact; scarves

could unite the whole world...

The Muffler is the product of several loops of a really long scarf; accumulating the layers up under your chin.  This style is great for covering up the two main calamities of masculinity: that’s right; shave rash and/or the neck beard.  It also protects against the cold, (I suppose) but I am quite sure by now you realise that fashion and style are not bbfs with comfort and/or function.  I mean; they may flash a cordial smile if they see each other out and about, but they are definitely mingling in different crowds.  Sorry, if you are getting this news for the first time…it must be tough to hear....

The Muffler is only suited to chunky, long, knitted or weave scarfs or large square fabric scarves (yes, the girly-type; see: beard-man(top)) and shouldn’t be applied to long, thin fabric scarves or you’ll look like a 60 year old art-worker or (worse) a hippy (and you know how ‘we’ feel about hippies…you don’t want to upset me do you?).

'The LOA'

When you wear a scarf, you can look so cool;

that there is absolutely no need to

look at people...

The Loose Once Around -LOA (warmer; looser; at least 36% more twatty than The Muffler):

Yes, as it sounds; this is the tarty little sister of The Muffler.   Whilst The Muffler is all high and mighty in her functionality; The LOA is just a bit of sumthang-sumthang hanging around; looking fancy.  Just hurl that slapper-of-a-scarf loosely around your neck ,once, having the loop hanging just above your nips.

This style can be applied to all scarf-types (i.e. the LOA; she aint fussy) and particularly good with a fabric scarf for Spring/Autumn.

Some dudes about to put on some cool 'snoods'.  Promise me you'll use that word when the guys ask 'what the fuck is that shit around your neck?' ie don't wuss out and say 'oh, its just a scarf-type-thing...ok?!'.  Be proud of your 'snood'!



Surly, girly-boys in lovely Burberry snoods

There you have it; how to put a strip of cloth around your neck.  Next blog: ‘How To Put On Your Underdaks In The Morning’.  Joke. Sigh.