Cardi-games: The ‘Winter [what the fuck do I] Wear’- Post #2

Cardigans.  This men’s clothing item has me seriously torn. 

I could only be in a deeper crisis of indecision if I was allowed a single pint (not so hypothetical as my reputation with bar security grows) in a pub with 3 dozen beers on tap.  

The problem is that many men who wear cardigans are such pretentious dickheads, that I find it nearly impossible to resist the urge to force-feed their multicoloured knit down their throat to make a deliciously twatty foie-gras out of their liver.   Luckily, it is merely a fantasy.  Despite my dubious inclinations, I am a woman of strong morals...and have a healthy fear of how my hair might look if I was sentenced to life in prison for murdering a hipster.   

So my dilemma is that despite the fact that a cardigan can be indicative of the wearer being a bit of a fucktard, I also think that men can look fa-sheezy in a decent cardi.  My ‘men-in-cardies’ attraction is either confirmation that I have a grandpa fetish (men are so delightfully malleable when senility sets in) or just that a comfy cardi; showing a bit of man-cleavage, can look like the epitome of ‘effortless sexy’ encapsulated in a wool-blend knit.  

I’ve always loved a man in a cardi as you can see in previous posts ('Play Your Card-igans Right').  Cardigans are actually great for showing off that which ‘ya mama gave ya’...or if your ‘mama’ was a bit stingy with the good genes, a cardigan can also conceal what 3 pints a day has ‘gave ya’.  A chunky-knit cardi can be very flattering by skimming forgivingly over your chunks, whilst still looking relaxed and casually-chic.

So, back to the predicament of attempting to don a cardi and still managing to strut the fine-line between dickhead and cool.  I have, as always, a wee bit of despotic fashion-direction for your reading-masochism:

1. Keep your cardigans simple and not too heavily patterned.  If you are feeling bold and/or high and do opt for a patterned cardi; keep it fairly monochromatic lest you look like the love-child of Jenny Kee and Ken Done. 
2. If your cardigan is patterned, make sure that your shirt underneath is plain or you might cause some sort of epileptic-fit for anyone who lays eyes upon your dizzying combo.  Make sure a patterned cardi is in a light weave/fabric, so it’s not too bulky and overwhelming.
3. I would recommend neutral, plain colours in chunky weaves i.e. a man’s cardi (if we can indulge the idea that there is such a thing).  Shawl collars (turn-down collars) on cardigans are still quite hip; they look adult and even ‘dapper’ (look in up; the word doesn't necessarily question your possession of testicles).   These cardies are the best option if your want to team them up with a collar shirt underneath, because they sort of look like a knitted blazer.

Check out some non-wankerish cardigan examples:

Lyle & Scott Heritage Sweat Cardigan

Uniforms For The Dedicated - The Kingsley Knitted Cardigan

Lyle and Scott Cardigan Riviera

Selected Cast Cardigan

Modern Amusement Shawl Neck Cardigan Navy (from Incu)

J.Lindeberg Lytrench coats Basic Cardigan

Lyle and Scott Jaquard detail cardigan

Suit - Fleck Waffle Knit Cardigan

Shore Leave - Blue Mixed Yarn Shawl Jacket (from Urban Outfitters)

Weathered Ethan Cardigan Rust (from Incu)

Woolrich Striped Jersey Shawl Neck Sweater

Topman Monochrome Pattern Cardigan

J. Lindeberg - Fred Fishermens Knit Lt Grey Melange

Lay(er)ing it on thick.

Layering: 

This is a fashion concept, and not a strategy to avoid paying for check-in baggage by wearing a week's worth of clothing on your flight.

Now my dear simple readers; I will go against a personal principle I have for this blog which is to avoid getting personal.  Oh, yes, this blog was to be the bastion of objectivity! 

I won’t lie to you; my objectivity has been difficult to maintain at times because nothing gets me more emotional than discussing shapeless denim or pilly peacoats.  However, I think you will all agree that I have always remained almost clinical in my approach to the highly delicate topic of men’s fashion. 

That said, right now I must share that I have some very personal issues with layering.  That’s right; sit closer to your fancy Macbook as I peel a few of the layers off this onion (more like a shallot i.e. I have, at last count a maximum of 2 layers to my less than complex identity.  My persona is as elusive as a wet t-shirt competition). 

My main problem with layering is that hippies do it.

I think ‘hippy’ is the only subculture I have never given a right good go at (from a fashion point of view).   You see; hippies are dags.  Layers of cheese/hemp cloth in murky, insipid hues; that seem to be colour-inspired by the result of a vegan/raw food diet when it emerges out the other end…  The layers of fraying fabric thrown in a cavalier manner around their bodies are the manifestation of a pot-fecked brain and are as aesthetically driven as the flourishing nests of pubic hair that help to keep Saffron and Rainbow warm in their teepees at night.  I’ve coughed up better looking things than this style of layering.

However, being always on the path of self-improvement; I have nearly resolved my previous issues with layering.  In fact layering and I are experiencing the fashion equivalent of make-up sex.  I’m loving layering right now (but may hurl it out of my style-bed as soon as the post-coital glow dies and layering and I are just feeling awkward…. Consider this metaphor well and truly milked)!

So guys, lets mount the layering horse and heap on some clothes. Layering is the fantastic alternative to the rather dull winter cover-up of a thick jacket.  Layering is not only very practical; being able to add/remove clothing when it is 10 degrees outside and freakin’ 40 degrees in* , but it also enables you to show-case your style (yes, that’s right; YOU are very close to having some style. Stick with the blog, dude!).  What is the point of all your bold progress with your en trend shirts and dacks (for my 2 non-Australian readers; the education continues: 'Dacks' Australian slang more info-click)  when you asphyxiate all your new found style-cred with a single huge smothering coat? Layering with a shirt; jumper or cardi; blazer or open jacket and a scarf enables you to be much more creative…actually, wait; I take that back… you’re not ready to take initiative with your own wardrobe.  I start again: layering enables you to expose the looks I’VE INSTRUCTED YOU TO WEAR in previous posts to present a much more distinctive and defining look.   In the midst of the morbid, monochromatic winter scene; you will be the pretty, flashy, shiny thing attracting all the birds…….well, magpies to be specific i.e. best to combine this look with a protective cycle-helmet (equipped with eyes painted on the back and cable tie spikes to deter swooping).

Check out some of these examples of creative layering below:

• Experiment with a number of thin layers and vary each layer in fabric texture and colours. 
• Keep shirts and vest open to expose the dimension of colour (interest) beneath.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

*What is it with excessive heating in Melbourne?!  I’m sorry earth; all the wusses in Oz need a world’s worth of energy to stop feeling a wee bit chilly, ok?!  Are we attempting to simulate 12 months of summer as part of tourist ploy?