Why this outfit is bang on - Post #1.

Need Supply Co.

I understand how Johannes Rebmann felt when he first lay eyes upon Kilimanjaro, because I feel similarly ‘moved’ when I see a well-put together outfit like this one.

Occasionally your Mistress encounters a clothing ensemble that is more perfect than hot chips and beer (aka foreplay).  The universe has chosen to toss me morsels of aesthetic delight like this to sustain me in this desert of ugly I’m forced to exist in. 

However, you may be surprised to know, as the elation of this exciting fashion encounter subsides, I begin to think of all the poor bastards (i.e. my readers) who are too unaware to appreciate the significance of particular clothing-amalgamations such as this. 

Like an irresponsible banker, I’ll give you some credit and acknowledge that a few of you may realise that this combo looks ‘alright’...but do you know why?  Can you apply the style principles at play here, or will your translation most likely end up in you strutting out the door in board-shorts and a flannie ?

To combat the ignorance rife amongst my reader population; in the next few posts I will talk you through a few great summer outfits in terms of why they ‘work’.

The first outfit we’ll be applying a scalpel to in this men’s-style vivisection is an ensemble from Need Supply Co.  It consists of a Saturdays Surf NYC Esquina Oxford Stripe shirt and a pair of RVCA  Marrow 18" Shorts.  Although I haven’t included the reverse image; believe me, these shorts make this dude’s arse look like I could bounce him off the walls (i.e. ‘nice’)

This tasteful analogy creates a nice little segue into a more specific chat about the dude’s daks...

The Shorts:

These are classic, flat-fronted shorts, featuring all the latest storage and fastening technology such as pockets, a zip fly AND a button closure! However, it’s not all this fancy pocketing and zip-bling that makes these shorts the dog’s bollocks; it’s the ‘fit’. 

 At this point, I should mention, I’ve been through all this with you before in ‘Short-pants Syndrome-The 'Shorts' post’.  With chino or tailored style shorts such as these, they should be worn at mid-low thigh (length). 

‘...When it comes to shorts and not the bits they cover, longer is NOT better.  Don’t despair; this blog is not a covert operation to create the largest Village People tribute-show ever.  No, despite the sadistic pleasure I would get from coercing you all into hot pants, the shorts I’m suggesting you don should be above the knee but at least a hand span from your crotch (your own hand.  Please don’t sully my blog’s rep by using it as an excuse to cop a grope)...’

 The other reason these short are pimp tight, is because they are plain coloured.  I don’t care if you have thighs that look like they are the product of more roids than could be found in Lance Armstrong’s bathroom cabinet; it’s not a good look on blokes to make your bottom half the feature of your appearance.  Women have the monopoly on the ‘pear-shape’ ideal and you guys have to settle for the aesthetic-goal of ‘top-heavy’; making your torso the feature.   So avoid patterned shorts and create a streamlined look as our pervy-gaze drifts downwards.

The Shirt:

It’s a slim fitting short sleeve shirt in stripey oxford cloth;  and totally tha’ heezy fo’ sheezy...yo.  Now, if you’re one of my few readers who is literate enough to have done more than glanced at the pretty pictures of past posts, you would be screaming at your screen now: ‘Contradictor; thy name is Mistress!’ (I envision my literate readers speaking in Shakespearean language for some reason). 

In past posts I have warned against wearing stripey shirts ('You Give Me The Shirts'), however in this case, the relaxed look of the short(not long)-sleeve shirt, means that the patterning appears less intense and ridiculous.  That said; I’d still avoid ‘spots’ (aka creepy-clown-wear).  The cut of the shirt also allows this handsome fellow to pull-off the stripes.  It’s slim-cut, creating a look that’s more streamlined and stylish and less like flaccid, deflated hot-air balloon.

The combination (my summation!):

It’s a preppy, casual look that could transcend a myriad of social settings (whose differing dress standards you are probably oblivious to anyway).  The look is current, yet doesn’t look like the product of someone trying too hard.  The only giveaway that this man is a bit of a twat and/or living at home is that his shirt is actually ironed.  So to avoid any possible emasculation with this ensemble, make sure you ‘store’ the shorts and shirt on the floor, in a dank corner of your room and throw them on 15 secs before leaving home for some ‘don’t give a shit’ man-cred!

Need Supply Co.

Contact me on enquire@menwtw.com with your specific queries/examples and I will deliver some advice in an almost civil manner.  Warning: I cannot guarantee I won’t take the piss. 

Stores:

• Need Supply Co.
• Saturdays Surf NYC
• RVCA

stay tuned...

Despite being seen as an international/monumental bitch, I am, in fact a staunch nationalist and very proud of being born and living in this great country of ours: Melbourne.  And as a Melburnian (Melburnian first, Australian second) I feel a wee bit shit about the next post because you poor pricks aka countrymen have been crying out for a true [what to wear in] summer post.  However, Mistress MenWhatTo.. says ‘no’....
 
Stay tuned over the next few days to find out why the Mistress is being so fucking stingy...

Short-pants Syndrome-The 'Shorts' post

Noting the frequency with which men seem to whip off their shirts (its not that freaking hot) or the glut of arse cracks (or undies poking-out from the top of your pants) we’re cruelly exposed to in our day to day activities, one would nearly consider that bodily-bits such as calves are the new region of modesty for a man.  I’m surprised that those post-footy photo’s of the bro-love embraces down the pub don’t feature more drunken-yobs in the background cheekily flashing their calves instead of bare-bums and beer guts (tastefully adorned in team insignia).  Legs just don’t often get to see the light of day in our current cultural scene.  To be quite honest I’m completely desensitized to a bit of  man-nip or arse, however, a tasteful revelation of a guys shin or calf…right there; that’s some titillation!  Flash a thigh and you’d push me over the edge (women in their 30’s: it doesn’t take much…).

I don’t know why men are so hesitant to crack-out some lower leg?  Has below the crotch attracted some reputation of shame (yet undies and arse cracks are now a feature to be aired at lunch with Nan)?  I tell you; ‘legs’ are wasted on blokes!  Even if you don’t have thighs with muscles that could double as a shelf for your beer or carves that don’t make poultry-pins look ‘buff’ in comparison; I rarely see a man who has truly atrocious legs.  In fact those mortuary-hued little leggys of yours can look (not quite like a Michelangelo, but) ok in the right shorts (with the addition of the constant flexing of your quads and gastrocnemii.  The type of tensing that makes doing anything else simultaneously impossible) . 

However, I have to say at this point: for freak's sake; be *MEN* will you?!  You are blokes…and its hot; thus demanding drastic lower ventilation!  You shouldn’t be over-concerned with your appearance (yes despite the mess I’ve made of your psyche over the last few months)!  Leave the debilitating state of discomfort (in an aim to look good) to us girls.  We can handle it.  High-heels and waxing is all the preparation one needs to accept a life-time of unease... 

The thing is; you look like a wanker if the temps are high and you are fighting the compulsion to get some air to your nether-regions just to keep the secret of you blobular or skinny limbs safe under your black slim jeans.  So re-learn how to not ‘give a shit’ and get out those pins!  And remember: full-leg tattooing can cover up a whole myriad of issues from pale/motley skin to an emasculating lack of leg-hair.  Consider it.

So, I’ve convinced you (as I knew I would, my darling, malleable ones)!  And now you’re thinking; ‘But Mistress MenWTW,  I only have some ¾ cargos and footy shorts…will these do?’ No.  Tell no-ne and burn them.  For the remainder of this post, Ill give you some very strict rules to follow.   

Deviate from these instructions and you might wind up here:    

        

....and you'll be lost to me.

 

Short Length:

When it comes to shorts and not the bits they cover, longer is NOT better.  Don’t despair; this blog is not a covert operation to create the largest Village People tribute-show ever.  No, despite the sadistic pleasure I would get from coercing you all into hot pants, the shorts I’m suggesting you don should be above the knee but at least a hand span from your crotch (your own hand.  Please don’t sully my blog’s rep by using it as an excuse to cop a grope).

 

Anything below the knee adds 10 years to you i.e. it makes you look like you peaked in 1999 and gave up on looking good mid-2000.  Besides being VERY uncool, they also make you look shorter!  Oh, yes, that’s what you want: to lop a pesky 10inches off your mammoth stature, with some ugly-arse long shorts.  If you are going for chino’s or tailored shorts you can wear them mid-thigh to just above the knee.  However, if you are wearing denim shorts; make them no higher (or lower) than about 2 of an inch above the knee, lest you look like you are about to slide-in through the window of the Dukes of Hazzard’s Charger. 

Short Width:

Avoid seriously baggy shorts.  You are not aiming to look like you just dropped 40kg but didn’t have the dollar for a new down-sized wardrobe after blowing all your cash on meal replacement shakes. Your shorts should be a little looser cut than you’d wear your slim-pants, but not baggy or billowing out from the hip.  They should be a relaxed-tailored or narrow-leg. 

Wear your chinos looser than your denim shorts.  Your denim shorts should be worn quite slim and try folding them up at the cuff.

 Colour:

Avoid check.  We love check every where else; but you’ll look like an English middle-class twat if you wear this pattern in your shorts.  I don’t know why; you just will (need I justify everything?)!  

Experiment with colour.  However, because I know you guys are going to already feel a little vulnerable showing your knees and all; without the protection of a dozen commando pockets (to keep your can openers and energy chocolate in), I suggest you play it safe.  Try blues, pinky-oranges, and stripes…no radical patterns (see; I am concerned for your being able to drink down the pub in peace, as well as your appearance)!  Tartan: are you insane.

And please consider the full-leg tattooing...

Lay(er)ing it on thick.

Layering: 

This is a fashion concept, and not a strategy to avoid paying for check-in baggage by wearing a week's worth of clothing on your flight.

Now my dear simple readers; I will go against a personal principle I have for this blog which is to avoid getting personal.  Oh, yes, this blog was to be the bastion of objectivity! 

I won’t lie to you; my objectivity has been difficult to maintain at times because nothing gets me more emotional than discussing shapeless denim or pilly peacoats.  However, I think you will all agree that I have always remained almost clinical in my approach to the highly delicate topic of men’s fashion. 

That said, right now I must share that I have some very personal issues with layering.  That’s right; sit closer to your fancy Macbook as I peel a few of the layers off this onion (more like a shallot i.e. I have, at last count a maximum of 2 layers to my less than complex identity.  My persona is as elusive as a wet t-shirt competition). 

My main problem with layering is that hippies do it.

I think ‘hippy’ is the only subculture I have never given a right good go at (from a fashion point of view).   You see; hippies are dags.  Layers of cheese/hemp cloth in murky, insipid hues; that seem to be colour-inspired by the result of a vegan/raw food diet when it emerges out the other end…  The layers of fraying fabric thrown in a cavalier manner around their bodies are the manifestation of a pot-fecked brain and are as aesthetically driven as the flourishing nests of pubic hair that help to keep Saffron and Rainbow warm in their teepees at night.  I’ve coughed up better looking things than this style of layering.

However, being always on the path of self-improvement; I have nearly resolved my previous issues with layering.  In fact layering and I are experiencing the fashion equivalent of make-up sex.  I’m loving layering right now (but may hurl it out of my style-bed as soon as the post-coital glow dies and layering and I are just feeling awkward…. Consider this metaphor well and truly milked)!

So guys, lets mount the layering horse and heap on some clothes. Layering is the fantastic alternative to the rather dull winter cover-up of a thick jacket.  Layering is not only very practical; being able to add/remove clothing when it is 10 degrees outside and freakin’ 40 degrees in* , but it also enables you to show-case your style (yes, that’s right; YOU are very close to having some style. Stick with the blog, dude!).  What is the point of all your bold progress with your en trend shirts and dacks (for my 2 non-Australian readers; the education continues: 'Dacks' Australian slang more info-click)  when you asphyxiate all your new found style-cred with a single huge smothering coat? Layering with a shirt; jumper or cardi; blazer or open jacket and a scarf enables you to be much more creative…actually, wait; I take that back… you’re not ready to take initiative with your own wardrobe.  I start again: layering enables you to expose the looks I’VE INSTRUCTED YOU TO WEAR in previous posts to present a much more distinctive and defining look.   In the midst of the morbid, monochromatic winter scene; you will be the pretty, flashy, shiny thing attracting all the birds…….well, magpies to be specific i.e. best to combine this look with a protective cycle-helmet (equipped with eyes painted on the back and cable tie spikes to deter swooping).

Check out some of these examples of creative layering below:

• Experiment with a number of thin layers and vary each layer in fabric texture and colours. 
• Keep shirts and vest open to expose the dimension of colour (interest) beneath.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

*What is it with excessive heating in Melbourne?!  I’m sorry earth; all the wusses in Oz need a world’s worth of energy to stop feeling a wee bit chilly, ok?!  Are we attempting to simulate 12 months of summer as part of tourist ploy?