I love beards.
Along with
a man involved the erotic act of vacuuming (I call this foreplay); they really
do it for me!
Why do I like beards? Ok, yank that ‘Psychology for
Idiots’ off the bookshelf; and flip to the 3 sentence summation of
Freud’s ‘Oedipus Complex’; yes; my dad has a beard. My dad has always had a beard. Except for once when I was young (he was
probably bored i.e. a sole occasion when all the family’s
cars/mechanical/electrical appliances were all simultaneously functioning, and
he had nothing to fix) dad shaved it off
and revealed the face of a complete stranger.
Ok, now that I have sufficiently grossed myself out with this journey
into my own obviously sick psyche let’s just try and move on so it doesn’t get
awkward between us and just leave it at; I like beards.
The good news for men with a preference for a furred face is
that not only are beards a magnet for wacko chicks who are attracted to
doppelgangers of their fathers, but beards have also for the last few years
been tres cool. Moreover,
with all the Saddam Hussein hype being so yesterday’s news now;
you can feel free to grow a beard without having to put aside an extra hour and
your best underwear (a courtesy which makes those full body searches a more
‘special’ experience for all involved) every time you head to the airport.
As a counsellor in men’s style; I am now taking a very unusual
direction with my guidance and am inviting you to take a completely laissez-faire approach to your personal grooming. You have my blessing to let you face go
feral; this is my gift to you. So donate your razors to the cause of porn-star-ifying
your girlfriend’s nether-regions and let the face-forest flourish! However, like a frenzied dog on the end of a
fully extended, retractable leash, which has started to roll in the remains of
a dead pigeon, I now need to rein you in a little... Alas, just when you
thought you had found a trend that required absolutely none of the attention
that could otherwise be directed into sourcing new free web-porn, I have to
break it to you; this look, which is meant to denote the wearer as being the
embodiment of effortless masculinity is actually the product of some covert poncing-about. Oh-yes; this hairy-veil is going to require
some very deliberate pimping to pull off that rugged and carefree look.
So, specifically; how to wear the spawn of your follicles in 2013?
Beards at the moment should be worn a little shaggier than the
mere stubble that a girly-boy instant pop-star might cultivate just to confirm
for his female fans that they weren’t in fact lusting after a pre-pubescent girl. Beards at the moment should be medium to
heavy weight whilst still trimmed to keep the lines of your jaw and cheeks
definable.
Make sure you keep your sideburns cut quite close. Sideburns look super-gross when they get
long, wiry and dense.
Very important: (and I probably should have mentioned this
before you gift-wrapped and ceremonially presented all your razors to the
girlfriend for your anniversary) you need to avoid the neck-beard! Face and chest hair should never mingle! ‘Neck-beard’ is actually even used as a
derogatory term for slovenly nerds; often involved in hobbies such as card
gaming, video gaming, anime, et. al.
Neck-beard (noun)
‘If this party is full of f*cking neckbeards, I'm
out. I've got better things to do than sit around with a bunch of unwashed
nerds’ (taken from the Urban
Dictionary).
So swipe one of the razors that your girl has now pre-blunted on
her armpits and fend off the beard as it rushes southwards; just before it hits
your Adam’s apple, but no earlier/higher or you will look like a Thunderbird
i.e. disconnected head.
If you needed any more convincing to
begin the god-given right of all men to allow your follicles to sprout-forth in
beardiness, then listen to some of the motivational material produced by the Australian
folk/rock band The Beards. With tracks such as ‘If your Dad Doesn’t Have
A Beard Then You Have Two Mums’, ‘No Beard, No Good’ and ‘It Only Takes A
Fortnight (To Grow A Decent Beard)’; a few hours of their catchy musical
indoctrination and you’ll be feeling more nakedness and vulnerability than a
prostrate exam offers without a lovely veil of facial growth.
Next post (very soon!) Men’s Accessories- Part 2: ‘Scarves’
aka ‘Scarves: The Solution To The Shave Rash Created From Attempting To Avoid The Neckbeard’ blog-post.
Despite being seen as an
international/monumental bitch, I am, in fact a staunch nationalist and very
proud of being born and living in this great country of ours: Melbourne. And as a Melburnian (Melburnian first, Australian second) I
feel a wee bit shit about the next post because you poor pricks aka countrymen
have been crying out for a true [what to wear in] summer post. However, Mistress MenWhatTo.. says ‘no’....
