When
it comes to formal footwear a huge chunk
of the male population seem to be stuck firmly like a shit to a sheep’s arse in
the early 2000’s. Maybe this was a dark
period in which you guys were struck with the sudden affliction of having to
attend a wedding or had a girlfriend who made you go out to twatty bars etc; and thus had to buy some formal shoes.
And like a vasectomy, you see buying formal shoes is a testis-retreating
act that needs to be done only once in your life.
I just don’t understand mens’ hesitancy to sort
their [formal] shoe status.
Do men feel they can’t be taken seriously in the workplace unless
they are wearing footwear that looks like they haven’t been home since a big
night at the pokie lounge (definition)?
The perception seems to be, that if you are an office-chair
commando that cares about the status of your footwear, then you are clearly redirecting
productivity away from work and into the dubious zone of wanky fashion
interest. Let me assure any members of
management now; business would not
necessarily suffer if your worker’s shoes were anywhere near the intangible
realms of en-trend. I'm starting to
think that a man’s early interest in pursuing a creative career or a ‘trade’ is
less about an interest in these vocations and more about seeking a profession
that allows you to wear Vans or Blunnies (definition)
when clocking-on.
The
thing is, it’s not really that freaking complicated. Of all the fashion-fuck-ups I’ve had to
delicately shepherd you through, I think getting formal footwear right is
pretty much rinky-dink. This is because
there are only a few smart shoes out there that are really absolute disasters. The rest of the smart-shoe options range
from ‘tolerable’ to, the life-inspiring nirvana I know you guys are working
towards, ‘cool’.
So let’s identify the shoes
to avoid; ‘..give me
your name, demon!’(ugly shoe foot-possession; lame The Exorcist reference).
The name of the butters of all smart-shoes is the unholy: formal loafer. As I said in my last post regarding non-lacing footwear:
‘...pull-on
footwear are for humans who are yet to master the tricky art of ‘tying your own
shoe-laces’ or geriatrics who, if they spend any amount of time groping around
at their feet tying laces, may never experience a vertical position again...’
However,
it’s not just the apathy intrinsically attached to this type of shoe that makes
it so skid. Its the desperate message you are obviously attempting to communicate
about the unreasonable size of your penis with the freaking unnatural length of this shoe (i.e. suggesting the hugeness of the foot it plays
host to). To be quite honest, I can cope with a tiny bit of elongation in a
formal men’s shoe but along with the stupid-looking square toe; formal loafers
make you look like a freaking circus-show intermission-act. And ‘no’; no one
believes your appendage is that long. Also,
they just don’t make you look hot. Unfairly;
clowns and carnies are neither respected, nor sexually-desirable members of our
society.
The
situation with formal loafers is made even worse because the designers of these
type of shoe obviously delight in the sadistic joke they are playing on men and
even sometimes apply fucking-bling to the loafers! By adding buckles; fabric appliqué; chains;
(need I mention) tassels and a bit of patent-type gloss to this footwear-ghettofication makes you look like a
dandy hairdresser or some sort of pirate from a puke-inducing pantomime.
So
play it safe, man; avoid the formal loafer.
Needless
to say, there are of course some other butt-fugly formal footwear, but you know
me; I’m never one to dwell on the
negative or be gratuitously critical, so let’s move on to what you can
wear:
 |
| Paul Smith Shoes - Tan Ponti Brogues |
Brogues
(definition) and Oxfords (definition)
have never really gone out of fashion and to be quite honest, when it comes to
formal shoe-trends and sex, it's best to steer clear of
anything radical unless you're a seasoned player. For formal versions of these shoes; avoid
chunky soles and weird-arse colours.
As
I mentioned earlier; pass up very
pointy toes; unless you’re deliberately trying to deter close-talkers with the spanse of your shoes...or hetro women, to be honest.
Patent leather is also generally a bit of a no-no, despite the fact it presents the
perfect surface upon which neither kebab drippings or urine can penetrate.
 |
| Julius Marlow -Vegas brown |
|
 |
| River Island Washed Leather Brogue Shoes |
 |
| Antoine + Stanley -sebastian black |
 |
| Frank Wright Derby Shoes |
 |
| Paul Smith Shoes - Taupe Marino Shoe |
 |
| Windsor Smith -Oasis black |
 |
| Brando -henry black |
