Thursday, 2 February 2012

The Man-bag Post

Firstly:  Sorry for the tardiness of this post, but I have just this moment sobered up (December/January: lost to me).

Now; the gripe:
I am more than a little weary of coming home every night with a bag full of miscellaneous keys.  No, I am not a devotee to the art of swinging; I am a woman who carries a handbag and thus is seen to provide a public service by any man I head out for a drink with, to carry their stuff.  Whilst you blokes see me carrying a bag whose size seems like it would easily accommodate supplies required for a little jaunt to the Antarctic (and therefore would barely notice the addition of some sunglasses and a phone), it does in fact just manage to hold all I need on a night out (i.e. make-up, comb, tissues, wet-wipes, floss, credit cards, hair-pins, chewing gum, business cards, keys, sewing kit, rohypnol, multi-tool, binoculars...).  I can’t be equipped for every makeup malfunction or the impromptu 3 day dirty-stop-out/bender and also fit your car-keys in my hand-bag.  
However, putting aside my own personal involvement in what could be the most significant gender conflict since the invention of the hinged toilet seat; Men, I have to say; I do understand your problem.  

The problem is: you think carrying a bag will make you look like a big girl.  This is just not true and yet just another example of the fact that you guys present more issues than an episode of Dr Phil. 

Listen to me, Men:
  1. Carrying a bag does not mean that your ‘sack’ is now empty (if you know what I mean).  
  2. Carrying a bag does not mean it is necessarily full of sanitary products.   
  3. Carrying a bag does help you avoid the unsightly bum protuberance from a wallet overflowing with 6 years of worth of credit card receipts in your back pocket.
  4. You can still be a testosterone pumping, beer-swilling, breast eye-balling man AND carry a bag. 

A bag is merely a functional accessory to put your stuff in, so you can manage for once, to get your phone/wallet/keys/sunglasses/etc home with you in that 2am cab instead of accidentally leaving it all with a near-random [bag-toting] chick whom you may or may not ever see again, but who is now in the possession of your $300 Raybans.

So I am here suggesting some manly man-bag options.  The trick is, to purchase bags that look like the contents of which are EXTREMELY masculine such as gym-gear; paper work/laptop; or beer and guns.   
Avoid*(need I say) a ‘tote’ that looks like you are transporting brie, peaches and/or a bag-full of hair products.  Steering clear of these girly-boy; gender-non-specific bags will also save you about $AUD3000 on a purchase of a Burberry Prorsum woven leather tote or something similar that will only result in someone throwing a can of lager at your wanky- head (me, probably).  

Stick to:
  • a leather or canvas ‘carry-all’ (i.e. the gym-gear lugger);
  • a satchel (office gear holder)
  • or a canvas backpack (protein bar and Swiss army-knife carrier). 

Drifter Back Country Backpack
ASOS Leather Look Barrel Bag

Zatchels Reptile print Leather Satchel
Ally Capellio: Armstrong Carry Bag

Fred Perry Canvas Carry-all
Zatchels Classic Leather Satchel

CBK green/blue odd strap backpack

All these bags suggest manly pursuits despite the fact you are possibly aptly using them to transport a Chap-stick and a Men’s Health mag (another reason for a bag: to conceal the fact you are really quite interested in reading about recent developments in men’s facial creams).

So get a bag....and carry your own fucking keys.

*Note: forget Adidas messenger bags or soft Nike draw-string backpacks.  These are specifically designed to co-ordinate with a  tank-top and  white canvas shoes or for someone is merely transporting drugs.

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