I frequently receive pleas for help, but such is my nature, I generally tend to ignore them and even snigger to myself at their desperation. However, this letter from a reader (Sender: Anonymous Dude (S.A.D.)) tugs at the icicles on my heart because he doesn’t know what the fuck to put on his feet...he is basically a cave-man!
Hi Cassie [I forgive him for addressing me in such a casual/familiar fashion because I am currently in a very relaxed state i.e. wasted],
My friend ------ got me onto your blog and I've really impressed [barefoot AND illiterate]. You make some great observations about the shittiness of formal loafers and singlets and other such things. My question is about shoes. I live in Brisbane [barefoot, illiterate AND uncivilised] and as I'm sure you know, for most of the year it's suffocatingly hot. I'm looking for shoes to wear with shorts and during summer (I don't like wearing shorts but in Brisbane it's often unavoidable). At the moment I usually just wear my trusty blue Vans, which are fine but not exactly distinctive. I'm a poor student, so the most I would be willing to spend would be around 80 dollars or so [I basically ignore his budget because I can’t be arsed bargain-shopping]. Boat shoes seem to be the summer shoe of choice for the preppy type, but I'm not so sure what I think of them. Can you help me out? I think you should do a blog entry on summer fashion, as most of Australia is sweltering during the summer months and sartorial standards tend to drop... [here he has the nerve to tell me what to do, but I graciously ignore it because he is clearly a nutter]
Thanks a bunch!
Well, S.A.D. I keenly appreciate your dilemma here and although I have an almost fetish-type relationship with human’s greatest invention: the thong (flip-flop, jandal), I do appreciate that we still need an alternative because alas peeps die/get married (same-same) in the summer and you need to cover up your fungi-funky toes for such occasions.
So what to wear? Well I find this a tricky one because my readers would know I find plimsolls, canvas elasticised shoes and deck shoes fucking abhorrent. However, you might be surprised to know that I can actually tolerate a shoe that is a hybrid of all these, for those desperate situations when your mum (or girlfriend, whom a psych would argue is an embodiment of your mum anyway) would frown on you for wearing thongs.
What I’m talking about is something that has the comfort of a plimsoll etc with a bit of a more stylish edge and a chunkier profile. That is, without the twat-factor of a fucking boat shoe. What do we have then? Voila: surf-shoes (of sorts)! You see, surfers aren’t generally twats (slack bastards; yes). They are the ones pointing/ laughing at and occasionally beating up deck-shoe-wearing cunts...so let us look to this subculture for some casual, comfortable, summer shoe inspiration, shall we?
Well, I can’t help it; I’m an absolute sucker for [the shoe-brand] Vans. In fact those pricks should be throwing some dollars my way for all the spruiking I’ve done for them. But, alas, like a Nigerian prostitute in a recession, I’m about to give out some more freebies*. Check out their SURF range for some cool canvas shoes, that can be worn without socks. If you think the odour omitting from your feet after a day of wearing these bad boys without socks will be doing nothing to help your already uphill battle to get some action, then you could wear some of those girly anklet socks. However, for the love of everything that that doesn’t offend my eyes (which isn’t much), make sure you can't see the socks. This would be a bit of a fucked-up look otherwise.
|Vans Surf Rata Vulcanized CHARCOAL_SPICY ORANGE|
|Vans Surf RATA VULCANIZED Hemp Black|
|Vans Surf Del Norte GREY TURTLEDOVE|
And some non-Vans:
|Northern Cobbler Dorab Suede Shoes|
|Camper classic shoe ROMEO|
I know they sound like winter footwear, but low-rise ‘chukka’ books can be a good option if you get them in canvas or suede. Once again they present a less-pussy option than low-profile, plimsoll-type shit.
However, ultimately; if you can get away with thongs, wear them for fucks sake! Thongs are the reason God created toes!
|Skive Hawkins Suede Chukka Boots (Available at ASOS)|
|River Island Santa Cruz Chukka Boots (Available at ASOS)|
|Swear Iggy 25 Suede Chukka Boots (Available at ASOS)|
So I hope that answers your question S.A.D. Please, any of you other unfortunate bastards; don’t hesitate to email me questions. However, proper respect, yeah?! Begin your correspondence: ‘Mistress MenWhatTo... I beg of your assistance...’
*Just in case you think my ranting is just purely offensive, here’s the source, dudes: http://www.articlesbase.com/journalism-articles/nigerian-prostitutes-offers-sex-freebie-1574086.html