I am going to do something that I never do...
Curb my vile potty-mouth? (Fuck off!)
Remove my 4inch heels? (Not unless I’m being put under a general anesthetic!)
In fact I need swearing and my heels (my armour) now more than ever because I am about to admit;
I may have been wrong.
That’s right; I’m about to demean myself in the eyes of you dear twits...
In a post a little while ago I suggested that singlet (tank, vest, wife-beater)-wearing is an activity reserved for bogans, hipsters and/or any other variants of a dickhead (‘No,TANK-you! The most controversial post so far...’). However, something significant happened to me that has made me reconsider this stance. I have been forced to acknowledge the necessity of singlet wearing because I recently moved to Brisbane (Queensland, Aus) where it is insanely hot. I suppose the hypocrisy that I am experiencing here is that since I have come to call Brisbane home, I haven’t worn much more than a few Lycra triangles to avoid the neighbours from calling the police. Don’t get me wrong, I still maintain my conviction that ‘comfort’ and ‘fashion’ exist on either end of the ‘what is acceptable to leave the house in’ spectrum; however, the perpetuity with which the blokes are sweating up here is grossing me out. The weather is not conducive to civilized behaviour such as wearing sleeves! Thus, I can’t be strutting around in clothing that makes a strip-joint seem like a nunnery and forbid you poor bastards from copping a bit of a cool breeze to your pits! So, I am giving the AMBER light (not green) to singlet-wearing i.e. you need some guidelines before you hoon down to your closest chav/bogan-wear outlet.
The rules to your narrowly permitted singlet-wearing are:
1. Make it part of an ensemble that looks like you are wearing the singlet because you’re actually hot and not just because you’re a tosser who thinks his insipid, hairless biceps are a unique, outstanding gift to women. What I mean by this is, avoid wearing a singlet with jeans, chinos and/or with anything but thongs. If it’s hot as a bitch out there, and you want to feel justified in losing the sleeves, then you shouldn’t be contrarily cultivating a sweat-fall from your bollocks down by wearing jeans. That said, for the love of not looking like a complete cunt, please don’t wear heavily patterned and/or short shorts. Refer to ‘Short-pants Syndrome-The 'Shorts' post for an extended rant on this topic.
2. (I cringe slightly as I hear my own mother’s voice as I say this) We don’t need to see your nipples! Once again, I admit that I feel like a bit of a hypocrite in saying this with my own occasional clothing malfunction/exposure due in the most part to my general abhorrence for bras. However, I must maintain; public nipple exposure, unless it's spouting breast-milk (you fucking idiot, Kochie!), is a bad look.
If your nipples are making a defiant appearance, then your singlet is too long in the neck/arm-holes. Clearly you are donning this barely-there look for only one of three reasons:
1. You have been in a fight and in a (homo-erotic) grapple, had your singlet stretched. Cool! I love it when dickheads brawl!
2. You’re blatantly rating some roid-inspired package you’re offering up front...to compensate for what little you’re offering down below.
3. You are a sleazy, drug-fucked consort of Pete Doherty
If you are one of the minority group that doesn’t fall into either of these categories; avoid a saggy singlet.
3. Don’t wear your singlet too tight. Do I really need to clarify this? Dudes look fucking gross in tight tees and singlets. Unless you are about to participate in an Olympic event (and I would only disrobe a mere second before entering the area) then there is no excuse for a skin tight singlet.
So as always, here’s some examples of some acceptable singlets: (click on the descriptions to be taken to the sites)
|ASOS - Selected Singlet - Dusty Rose Red|
|Nique French Singlet - Faded Black|
|OAK Egon Muscle Tee - Oxblood|
|INDUSTRIE the chagall singlet|
|Nique Box Seat Tank - Black|
|Obey Ikat Anchor Tank - Putty|
|The Critical Slide Society Easy Street Tank - Brick|
|ASOS - Selected Singlet - Spring Bouquet|
|OAK White Karate Muscle Tee|
|INDUSTRIE the barbuda singlet|
|Nique Pocket Singlet - Orange Tan|
|ASOS Sleeveless T-Shirt With USA Print|
Contact me on email@example.com with your specific queries/examples and I will deliver some advice in an almost civil manner. Warning: I cannot guarantee I won’t take the piss.