Sunday, 3 April 2011

The Jeans post: get slim not skinny, man.

Slim NOT Skinny.  Try Levis 511 Slim Jean.

Ok, lets get on to the serious stuff.  No one could accuse this hard-hitting blogger of not tackling the big topics. 

Let’s talk jeans.

YOU (reader):  ‘Bloody hell, Cass. What’s there to learn?  I know jeans…. 
1.  I know the 64days-unlaundried period has come to a premature end when I have either spilt curry in the crutch (anywhere else and you can still milk another week or two’s wearing out of them), and/or people on the train are choosing to sit next to the guy in the 3 piece shopping bag suit with no internal monologue rather than you. 
2. I know how to wear my jeans.  I wear a belt with my jeans if I’m donning them to a posh restaurant, funeral, wedding (and if it is my own wedding to also tuck in my shirt). 
What more is there to know you pedantic little fashion-witch?!’

ME (wise and worldly fashion blogger; responds):‘There’s loads to learn, you fecking half-wit! You are the personification of a fashion faux pas, so shut your whiny trap and read!
Actually; first of all go and douse those jeans in petrol; (if 2 months of fast food droplets aren’t enough of a fire catalyst) light the bastards up, and throw them into the street). 
Note: I’m an urban-dweller and throwing fiery objects onto the street is the only way to clear an area of drunken Irish backpackers so I can drive out to work in the morning.  In other more suburban contexts; setting your offensive denim alight in the gutter may not be the best means of disposal.  For you; I suggest; getting in a priest; saturating the putrid pants with holy water; cutting them in half with a silver blade before tossing them in the wheelie bin.

Ok, now, don’t you worry your lovely little blokey-head about it;  I am not necessarily going to be pushing the skinny jeans on you.  I will be the first to admit; like chat up lines and prune juice…they don’t work for everyone.

However, they have prompted a ‘slim-line’ style-directive over the last few jeans that cannot be ignored and does in fact present quite a flattering/cool look.  I know like Sylvester Stalone’s ‘The Expendables’ you really want to pretend skinny jeans never happened, however, they did and you can’t bury your head in your pile of faded, baggy denim and think the skinny jeans will just pass like a bad hangover and you wont have to deal with them.  

Slim-cut denim is going to be loitering around for a little while yet and in the meantime you look like an apathetic and/or clueless dag with short/stout limbs in your baggy, shapeless denim.  This will not do!  Not on my watch…

Nevertheless, your panic is all for nothing because what I am suggesting is in fact SLIM jeans not skinny.  Now this isn’t just some calculated word play I’m employing in some sick ploy to make you look ridiculous (I’m on your side…you poor dense creature); there IS a difference between slim and skinny jeans.  

The slim fit
Slim-fit jeans are a straight-legged design that tapers slightly at the ankle and are incredibly flattering (elongating) and not at all a case of denim being used as a type of sinister tourniquet. No, the ‘slim’ jeans are not at all a denim-based torture device but more of a tailored trouser approach. 

The slim jeans should sit neat (and comfortably) on the (upper) hip and have a stream-lined aesthetic running down the leg rather than a sloppy bunching of loose denim.   The slim jeans shouldn’t be so tight (a la the skinny jean), that you are developing meralgia paresthetica and/or your sperm are being smothered to death like your gonads have been dropped on the floor of a German techno dance festival.  

The point is that these jeans should be neither tight (restrictive) nor hang loose on your hips making an unnecessary feature of your undies. 

Great length ie gathering around the ankle.
The colour looks great particularly with
the black shirt.
On the topic of ‘undies’; it is NOT cool OR stylish to be making a showcase of your jocks!  Do you think you are impressing or reassuring people with your overt statement that you did indeed manage the feat of putting on underwear this morning?  We don’t want to know.  Come on, men!  Keep the package wrapped.  How about you attempt to be a fecking master of mystery and delay that moment of revelation for us girls, when we in a moment of passion discover (to our delight) your 7 year old (once white; now a charming shade of grey boxers (Pantone colour reference #454…I refer to the hue as ‘Sullage’).  As comedian Arj Barker suggested; there should be a font to communicate that you’re being ironic and if there was the last sentence would have been typed in ‘Sarcastica’*.

The leg-length
The length of the jeans is another thing that needs to be carefully considered.  The slim-tapered jeans should end just BELOW the ankle area i.e. you should not be channelling an Olivier Twist waif. 
If in doubt, longer is better than shorter in my opinion and it is ok to have some gathering against the shoe. 

Now for you more fashion-confident amongst my delightful readers, you might even to my delight turn up the ends of your jeans!  Cuffing your jeans can look very chic in summer and when you could even, at the risk of your feet drowning in a sea of podiatric sweat, wear your brogues etc without socks.  The contrast of the dark denim and the lighter denim of the inside of your jeans can look really cool.

Below are some links to some fantastic slim denim examples.  They are all off a UK site called ASOS which frequently delivers to Oz (internationally) for free!  However, you will find Wrangler and similarly styled Levi jeans in many menswear/jean stores.  As you can see there are few great shades of denim that ‘works’ at the moment, so you could actually introduce something I like to call ‘variety’ into your denim wardrobe.  Yes, that’s right; more than one pair/type of jeans!

I understand if you’re not quite ready for this big step into the world of giving a shit….

Click on descriptions to go to the ASOS site.

Jack Jones Tim Original Slim Vintage Wash Jeans

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Next blog:  The cardigan.  Not just for 80 year olds….

Thanks to Mr. Gospel for introducing me to this clip:

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