Sunday, 17 February 2013

Why this outfit is bang on - Post #1.

Need Supply Co.
I understand how Johannes Rebmann felt when he first lay eyes upon Kilimanjaro, because I feel similarly ‘moved’ when I see a well-put together outfit like this one.

Occasionally your Mistress encounters a clothing ensemble that is more perfect than hot chips and beer (aka foreplay).  The universe has chosen to toss me morsels of aesthetic delight like this to sustain me in this desert of ugly I’m forced to exist in. 

However, you may be surprised to know, as the elation of this exciting fashion encounter subsides, I begin to think of all the poor bastards (i.e. my readers) who are too unaware to appreciate the significance of particular clothing-amalgamations such as this. 

Like an irresponsible banker, I’ll give you some credit and acknowledge that a few of you may realise that this combo looks ‘alright’...but do you know why?  Can you apply the style principles at play here, or will your translation most likely end up in you strutting out the door in board-shorts and a flannie ?

To combat the ignorance rife amongst my reader population; in the next few posts I will talk you through a few great summer outfits in terms of why they ‘work’.

The first outfit we’ll be applying a scalpel to in this men’s-style vivisection is an ensemble from Need Supply Co.  It consists of a Saturdays Surf NYC Esquina Oxford Stripe shirt and a pair of RVCA  Marrow 18" Shorts.  Although I haven’t included the reverse image; believe me, these shorts make this dude’s arse look like I could bounce him off the walls (i.e. ‘nice’)

This tasteful analogy creates a nice little segue into a more specific chat about the dude’s daks...

The Shorts:

These are classic, flat-fronted shorts, featuring all the latest storage and fastening technology such as pockets, a zip fly AND a button closure! However, it’s not all this fancy pocketing and zip-bling that makes these shorts the dog’s bollocks; it’s the ‘fit’. 

 At this point, I should mention, I’ve been through all this with you before in ‘Short-pants Syndrome-The 'Shorts' post’.  With chino or tailored style shorts such as these, they should be worn at mid-low thigh (length). 

‘...When it comes to shorts and not the bits they cover, longer is NOT better.  Don’t despair; this blog is not a covert operation to create the largest Village People tribute-show ever.  No, despite the sadistic pleasure I would get from coercing you all into hot pants, the shorts I’m suggesting you don should be above the knee but at least a hand span from your crotch (your own hand.  Please don’t sully my blog’s rep by using it as an excuse to cop a grope)...’

 The other reason these short are pimp tight, is because they are plain coloured.  I don’t care if you have thighs that look like they are the product of more roids than could be found in Lance Armstrong’s bathroom cabinet; it’s not a good look on blokes to make your bottom half the feature of your appearance.  Women have the monopoly on the ‘pear-shape’ ideal and you guys have to settle for the aesthetic-goal of ‘top-heavy’; making your torso the feature.   So avoid patterned shorts and create a streamlined look as our pervy-gaze drifts downwards.

The Shirt:
It’s a slim fitting short sleeve shirt in stripey oxford cloth;  and totally tha’ heezy fo’ sheezy...yo.  Now, if you’re one of my few readers who is literate enough to have done more than glanced at the pretty pictures of past posts, you would be screaming at your screen now: ‘Contradictor; thy name is Mistress!’ (I envision my literate readers speaking in Shakespearean language for some reason). 

In past posts I have warned against wearing stripey shirts ('You Give Me The Shirts'), however in this case, the relaxed look of the short(not long)-sleeve shirt, means that the patterning appears less intense and ridiculous.  That said; I’d still avoid ‘spots’ (aka creepy-clown-wear).  The cut of the shirt also allows this handsome fellow to pull-off the stripes.  It’s slim-cut, creating a look that’s more streamlined and stylish and less like flaccid, deflated hot-air balloon.

The combination (my summation!):
It’s a preppy, casual look that could transcend a myriad of social settings (whose differing dress standards you are probably oblivious to anyway).  The look is current, yet doesn’t look like the product of someone trying too hard.  The only giveaway that this man is a bit of a twat and/or living at home is that his shirt is actually ironed.  So to avoid any possible emasculation with this ensemble, make sure you ‘store’ the shorts and shirt on the floor, in a dank corner of your room and throw them on 15 secs before leaving home for some ‘don’t give a shit’ man-cred!
Need Supply Co.

Contact me on with your specific queries/examples and I will deliver some advice in an almost civil manner.  Warning: I cannot guarantee I won’t take the piss. 

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

A singlet: Because it's too fucking hot to dress with dignity.

I am going to do something that I never do...  

Curb my vile potty-mouth? (Fuck off!)
Remove my 4inch heels? (Not unless I’m being put under a general anesthetic!)
In fact I need swearing and my heels (my armour) now more than ever because I am about to admit; 

I may have been wrong.

That’s right; I’m about to demean myself in the eyes of you dear twits...

In a post a little while ago I suggested that singlet (tank, vest, wife-beater)-wearing is an activity reserved for bogans, hipsters and/or any other variants of a dickhead (‘No,TANK-you! The most controversial post so far...’).  However, something significant happened to me that has made me reconsider this stance.  I have been forced to acknowledge the necessity of singlet wearing because I recently moved to Brisbane (Queensland, Aus) where it is insanely hot.  I suppose the hypocrisy that I am experiencing here is that since I have come to call Brisbane home, I haven’t worn much more than a few Lycra triangles to avoid the neighbours from calling the police.  Don’t  get me wrong, I still maintain my conviction that ‘comfort’ and ‘fashion’ exist on either end of the  what is acceptable to leave the house in’ spectrum; however, the perpetuity with which the blokes are sweating up here is grossing me out.  The weather is not conducive to civilized behaviour such as wearing sleeves!  Thus, I can’t be strutting around in clothing that makes a strip-joint seem like a nunnery and forbid you poor bastards from copping a bit of a cool breeze to your pits!  So, I am giving the AMBER light (not green) to singlet-wearing i.e. you need some guidelines before you hoon down to your closest chav/bogan-wear outlet.

The rules to your narrowly permitted singlet-wearing are:  

1.  Make it part of an ensemble that looks like you are wearing the singlet because you’re actually hot and not just because you’re a tosser who thinks his insipid, hairless biceps are a unique, outstanding gift to women.  What I mean by this is, avoid wearing a singlet with jeans, chinos and/or with anything but thongs.  If it’s hot as a bitch out there, and you want to feel justified in losing the sleeves, then you shouldn’t be contrarily cultivating a sweat-fall from your bollocks down by wearing jeans.   That said, for the love of not looking like a complete cunt, please don’t wear heavily patterned and/or short shorts.  Refer to  ‘Short-pants Syndrome-The 'Shorts' post  for an extended rant on this topic.

2.  (I cringe slightly as I hear my own mother’s voice as I say this) We don’t need to see your nipples!  Once again, I admit that I feel like a bit of a hypocrite in saying this with my own occasional clothing malfunction/exposure due in the most part to my general abhorrence for bras.  However, I must maintain; public nipple exposure, unless it's spouting breast-milk (you fucking idiot, Kochie!), is a bad look.
If your nipples are making a defiant appearance, then your singlet is too long in the neck/arm-holes.  Clearly you are donning this barely-there look for only one of three reasons:
1.      You have been in a fight and in a (homo-erotic) grapple, had your singlet stretched.  Cool! I love it when dickheads brawl!
2.      You’re blatantly rating some roid-inspired package you’re offering up compensate for what little you’re offering down below.
3.      You are a sleazy, drug-fucked consort of Pete Doherty

If you are one of the minority group that doesn’t fall into either of these categories; avoid a saggy singlet.

3.  Don’t wear your singlet too tight.  Do I really need to clarify this?  Dudes look fucking gross in tight tees and singlets.  Unless you are about to participate in an Olympic event (and I would only disrobe a mere second before entering the area) then there is no excuse for a skin tight singlet.

So as always, here’s some examples of some acceptable singlets: (click on the descriptions to be taken to the sites)

ASOS - Selected Singlet - Dusty Rose Red 

Nique French Singlet - Faded Black
OAK Egon Muscle Tee - Oxblood
INDUSTRIE the chagall singlet
Nique Box Seat Tank - Black

Obey Ikat Anchor Tank - Putty

The Critical Slide Society Easy Street Tank - Brick

ASOS - Selected Singlet - Spring Bouquet

OAK White Karate Muscle Tee

INDUSTRIE the barbuda singlet
Nique Pocket Singlet - Orange Tan
ASOS Sleeveless T-Shirt With USA Print
Contact me on with your specific queries/examples and I will deliver some advice in an almost civil manner.  Warning: I cannot guarantee I won’t take the piss. 


Wednesday, 9 January 2013


 I am going to do something that I never do...  

Curb my vile potty-mouth? Fuck off! Remove my 4inch heels? Not unless I’m being put under a general anaesthetic, mutha-fuckers!  In fact I need swearing and my heels (my armour) now more than ever because I am about to admit; 

I may have been wrong.

That’s right; I’m about to demean myself in the eyes of you dear twits...

 *Sign up with your email to get the first view of this impending  post (revelation!).  See photo for those of you who can't get your head around this process (like durr!).

Sunday, 18 November 2012

You Give Me The Shirts! The button-up/collared shirt post

Despite being seen as an international/monumental bitch, I am in fact a staunch nationalist, and very proud of being born and living in this great country of ours: Melbourne.  As a Melburnian (Australian second) I feel a wee bit shit about this next post.
I know you poor pricks, aka countrymen, have been crying out for a true ‘[what to wear in] summer’ post.  However, I need to deliver this next post first for two reasons that are more important to me than being Melburnian/Australian.
Firstly, I have learnt to never give men what they ask for.  They just don’t appreciate it. 
Secondly, I have been trying to give birth to this huge fucking blog- spawn for months.  I have had trouble delivering this reluctant progeny due to some serious writer's block! Part of the problem seems to be that the symbiotic relationship between my writing and booze has been broken.  Even getting completely smashed (usually a guaranteed catalyst for getting the rant flowing) is producing little more than regrettable text messages and a hangover like Beelzebub himself shat on my brain. 

However, the Mistress is no defeatist, so here is *that* post.
This was meant to come in quick succession after the suit post, but I think that a shirt post is always pertinent, because a lot of you poor bastards have PROPER jobs that require you to wear a shirt every day. 
Moreover, some of you even more miserable cunts get dragged to formal events, and then of course there’s the abomination of our contemporary social scene: the night club.  To attend this anus of an establishment, you naturally feel obliged to dress like a wanker in a ridiculously patterned shirt, hoping the garish design will catch a drunken slapper’s obtuse, hazy gaze amongst the sea of other desperate dicks. 
Yes, alas a wind [machine] blown shirt revealing a glossy, waxed chest in a boy-bands latest film clip isn’t the only time this item of clothing has caused a little bit of sick to come up in to my mouth.  Some shirts (wind-swept, wet, being torn from the body or otherwise) are down-right nauseating to those of us with a particular sensitivity to the ‘fashion-fail’.  

So, here are some tips and options for your long-sleeve, buttoned-up, collared shirt selection.  I’m going to look at two categories of long-sleeve shirt here:  the business shirt and the smart-[leaning on the side of] casual shirt.

Business or formal shirt: 

The cut:

Well this mantra will be etched on the Mistress’ tombstone: ‘SLIM, NOT SKINNY’ (along with ‘If You’re Reading This, Please Move, You’re Standing On My Tits’).  Slim fit, like it is for pants, jeans, suits, etc. is all about a neat, tapered cut.  It’s not about something that clings so tightly to your chest that your nipples become an intrinsic part of the shirt’s design.  Be classy and create a little bit of ambiguity about your muscle  tone (or lack thereof)  in the workplace and aim for a shirt that has a little room for movement over the chest and arms, but tapers for a closer more flattering fit at the waist.   You should not look like you’re modelling a male-stripper’s interpretation of ‘business man’. The pic below, blatantly stolen from ThomasPink, aptly employs a twat in a daggy tie to illustrate this sizing concept.

 The colour/pattern:

Plain coloured shirts will always be your ‘tofu and 3 veg(Mistress eats no meat) of the businessman’s clothing pile.  A white shirt has a deep history in summarising a man who does more work with his noggin than his hands (apparently this is *still* a man, just not one that can fix shit) and therefore could wear white without looking more soiled than a mattress on a nature-strip in Frankston. 

However, let’s face it, you guys are generally slobs and/or sweaters so white can be problematic. Light blue, light pink and grey can be a good option without being too radical.  In terms of patterning; stripes are generally passé.  Checks are still do-able but if you’re a large dude, this is going to add about 10 superfluous k-g’s to your physique, so stick to plain colours.  If you do go for a check shirt, make sure your checks are not just made-up of a single thin line of an insipid, light colour or your shirt will just look washed-out and ordinary.  If you’re going to check; then check boldly, for fuck’s sake! See some examples of good check shirts below.
ASOS Double Cuff Shirt -white

TM Lewin Slim Fit Lilac Herringbone Shirt

ASOS Smart Shirt With Double Cuff-Dark Grey

TM Lewin Slim Fit Navy Check Shirt

TM Lewin Slim Fit Pink Check Shirt
ASOS Slim Shirt With Square Collar

TM Lewin Slim Fit Pink Pinpoint Shirt

 Casual shirts:

The fit:

A more casual shirt can be worn a little bigger that the slim-cut if you feel so inclined, however in this case you cannot tuck it in and generally it looks better buttoned to the collar(or as near as you can bear; ‘I feel like I’m choking!’ etc. Fucking sooks!).  I don’t make the rules; I just get much delight in sadistically enforcing them.  If you ‘tuck in’ anything but a slim cut shirt, you will look like a Mr Men[- man] i.e. a bulbous torso and stick legs.  When you wear a loose-cut shirt out, button to the collar or it just looks ill-fitting.  Advice: if you are already confused by these rules, or still throwing a little mental tanty over the idea of doing up some fucking buttons, just stick to a slimmer (slightly) fitting shirt.

The colour/pattern:

Well, you have a bit to work with here.  Most colours and patterns are tolerable in a casual, collared shirt.  However, avoid anything too gimmicky or gaudy in your patterns. I wish this instruction was unnecessary, but alas I feel like I still need to tell you to avoid floral patterns (unless of course you’re a wanker).  And as it is with ties and boxer shorts; no comic-like caricatures (like durr)!   Also, although there are a few exceptions, generally stay clear of stripes and spots.  Stripes and spots are just too risky for the fashion-novice to pick a shirt with this patterning that doesn't make you look like one of those weird dudes that makes flowers and poodles out of phallic-shaped balloons.
Chambray/denim and check shirts are, as they have been for a while, still a sure, sexy, cool option and as a bonus, just look better with age and regular rough treatment.  A good denim or check shirt will only improve with having been rescued from the cesspool of alcoholic spillage under a table in a beer garden or from the front lawn where it resided for a week after a party.  Or the worst treatment of all...a man’s laundering.
Minimum Large Check Long Sleeve Shirt

Minimum denim shirt

Stapleford Denim Workshirt

Suit Block Colour Shirt

Minimum Heavy Check Shirt

Virgin Poets Society-A Trovata Project Allover Print Shirt

Virgin Poets Society A Trovata Project Flannel Plaid Shirt
ASOS Denim Shirt

Lyle and Scott Vintage Shirt in Oxford Cotton

Ben Sherman Clerkenwell Collar Shirt

Charles and a half Dip-Dyed Chambray Shirt

Classic Vanishing Elephant long sleeve shirt Aztec Print

Staple Newbold Oxford Shirt

Vanishing Elephant MIRAMAR Blue Denim

Ok, so that’s the shirt post done for another year.  For more on the topic of button-up shirts check out the ‘Dress Code: NotSo Smart-Casual’ post .  I will now get to work on a ‘summer’ post for you poor bastards passed out in a pool of sweat somewhere, whilst you pitifully wait for some tyrannic instruction on your t’shirt and short selection.