Formal freaking ‘Loafers’: The Dress-shoe Post.

When it comes to formal  footwear a huge chunk of the male population seem to be stuck firmly like a shit to a sheep’s arse in the early 2000’s.  Maybe this was a dark period in which you guys were struck with the sudden affliction of having to attend a wedding or had a girlfriend who made you go out to twatty bars etc; and thus had to buy some formal shoes.  And like a vasectomy, you see buying formal shoes is a testis-retreating act that needs to be done only once in your life.  

I just don’t understand mens’ hesitancy to sort their [formal] shoe status.  Do men feel they can’t be taken seriously in the workplace unless they are wearing footwear that looks like they haven’t been home since a big night at the pokie lounge (definition)?  The perception  seems to be, that if you are an office-chair commando that cares about the status of your footwear, then you are clearly redirecting productivity away from work and into the dubious zone of wanky fashion interest.  Let me assure any members of management now;  business would not necessarily suffer if your worker’s shoes were anywhere near the intangible realms of en-trend.  I'm starting to think that a man’s early interest in pursuing a creative career or a ‘trade’ is less about an interest in these vocations and more about seeking a profession that allows you to wear Vans or Blunnies (definition) when clocking-on.  

The thing is, it’s not really that freaking complicated.  Of all the fashion-fuck-ups I’ve had to delicately shepherd you through, I think getting formal footwear right is pretty much rinky-dink.  This is because there are only a few smart shoes out there that are really absolute disasters.  The rest of the smart-shoe options range from ‘tolerable’ to, the life-inspiring nirvana I know you guys are working towards, ‘cool’.  

 So let’s identify the shoes to avoid; ‘..give me your name, demon!’(ugly shoe foot-possession; lame The Exorcist reference).  The name of the butters of all smart-shoes is the unholy: formal loafer.  As I said in my last post regarding non-lacing footwear:

‘...pull-on footwear are for humans who are yet to master the tricky art of ‘tying your own shoe-laces’ or geriatrics who, if they spend any amount of time groping around at their feet tying laces, may never experience a vertical position again...’

(Men:What To Wear - Casual Shoe Post)

However, it’s not just the apathy intrinsically attached to this type of shoe that makes it so skid.  Its the desperate message you are obviously attempting to communicate about the unreasonable size of your penis with the freaking unnatural length of this shoe (i.e. suggesting the hugeness of the foot it plays host to). To be quite honest, I can cope with a tiny bit of elongation in a formal men’s shoe but along with the stupid-looking square toe; formal loafers make you look like a freaking circus-show intermission-act.  And ‘no’; no one believes your appendage is that long.  Also, they just don’t make you look hot.  Unfairly; clowns and carnies are neither respected, nor sexually-desirable members of our society.

The situation with formal loafers is made even worse because the designers of these type of shoe obviously delight in the sadistic joke they are playing on men and even sometimes apply fucking-bling to the loafers!  By adding buckles; fabric appliqué; chains; (need I mention) tassels and a bit of patent-type gloss to this footwear-ghettofication makes you look like a dandy hairdresser or some sort of pirate from a puke-inducing pantomime. 

So play it safe, man; avoid the formal loafer. 

Needless to say, there are of course some other butt-fugly formal footwear, but you know me;  I’m never one to dwell on the negative or be gratuitously critical, so let’s move on to what you can wear:

Paul Smith Shoes - Tan Ponti Brogues

Brogues (definition) and Oxfords (definition) have never really gone out of fashion and to be quite honest, when it comes to formal shoe-trends and sex, it's best to steer clear of anything radical unless you're a seasoned player.  For formal versions of these shoes; avoid chunky soles and weird-arse colours.  

  

As I mentioned earlier; pass up very pointy toes; unless you’re deliberately trying to deter close-talkers with the spanse of your shoes...or hetro women, to be honest.  

Patent leather is also generally a bit of a no-no, despite the fact it presents the perfect surface upon which neither kebab drippings or urine can penetrate.

Julius Marlow -Vegas brown

River Island Washed Leather Brogue Shoes

Antoine + Stanley -sebastian black

Frank Wright Derby Shoes

Paul Smith Shoes - Taupe Marino Shoe

Windsor Smith -Oasis black

Brando -henry black

Putting your foot in it - The casual shoe post

I often think that men in my life would delight in me being padlocked into a rather stiff neck-brace.  No, the male contingent of my circle of friends is not dominated by sickos with some spinal-injury fetish...well not completely.  Its because on an encounter with a person of the opposed-sex (not a typo); the most scathing style-scrutiny occurs when I look down...

Despite my ability to produce over 1000 words a month of hard (but just) criticism of the average-Joe’s dress-[non]sense, I should (lest there is a special section of  hell reserved exclusively for  insatiably cruel fashionistas) admit that some men seem to get it ‘right’.   However, before you exhale with relief; most of you are still fucking-up on the footwear front. Unfortunately, despite the fact that a few blokes are dressing in a manner that won’t completely alienate you from civilized society; most of you are still generally clueless when it comes to choosing the right covering for your wee tootsy-toes.  Yes, your choice of footwear is more often than not, a complete cock-up.

You know what?  I do understand the issue. 

Footwear is a tough one to nail; and unlike the fairer sex, men have an obvious disadvantage on being able to choose the right [stylish] shoes because: 

1. you expect to be comfortable; and 
2. you don’t think about shoes 70% of your waking hours. 

So I understand how you struggle to appreciate the dire need to be fashionable (and not necessarily functional/comfortable) from the ankle down.   Having a stylishly-adorned torso is pointless when everyone can tell by your white canvas; elasticised pull-ons that the cool outfit was a one-off fluke and the shoes are really the true reflection of the bogan-esque tone of your wardrobe.

Yeah, he's a wanker, but like the thongs.

*Ok, just because I’m really deep down a generous individual who wants to be nice to you;  before I begin my monthly style-bollocking I will say; I like thongs (flip-flops, jandals...).  Wear thongs!  They are the gravy-noodles with jeans, chinos and shorts.  They lace any outfit with a relaxed feel that can be sexy in an effortless ‘I-really-don’t- try;-chic-just-comes-naturally-to-me’ type of way.  And I think this is the essential direction we are going for with your footwear: Relaxed-masculinity. 

I can picture you there; mulling over this concept of ‘relaxed-masculinity’ as you ease back on to the couch with your hand down your pants.  However, before you decide that a transition into this fashion-concept will be a piece of piss because it doesn’t seem like a huge leap from ‘apathetic-masculinity’ which you have nailed; I have news for you...

Relaxed-masculinity in footwear means you are aiming for a look that is neat; adult; slightly sporty (in a skateboard-y type of way) and/or bohemian (in a arty or hippy-with-cash-and-a-concern-for-bodily-hygiene type of way).   So let’s look at some footwear that can’t be described in these terms and should be banished from that pile of shoes near the front-door (the footwear-storage method of choice for most men).  To speed this selection process up; I am going to put it out there that anything that Don Johnson would have worn in ‘Miami Vice’ DOES NOT fall into my version of relaxed-masculinity.  Footwear that looks like you would wear it:

1. on a boat; or 
2. as you lean against a beach-side bar whist sipping a daiquiri 

needs to be immediately culled from the shoe-pile.

In case we don’t share the same mental picture with from this description; what I’m talking about alienating from the world of your feet are e.g. white slip on canvas shoes; plimsolls or deck /boat shoes.  These are a girly, wussy and/or sleezy variety of footwear and should be avoided. 

Elasticised-pull-on footwear are for humans who are yet to master the tricky art of ‘tying your own shoe-laces’ or geriatrics who if they spend any amount of time groping around at their feet tying laces may never experience a vertical position again.   Those canvas pull-ons scream a very unattractive level of apathy for any seemingly able man donning these butt-fuglies. 

I also hate boat shoes.  I don’t care that they facilitate the otherwise impossible feat of walking on a boat; I am not convinced they weren’t created for the single purpose of making men completely undesirable.  Clearly they were designed by some covert government body to retard population growth because the wearer is never getting laid.  This ridiculously unsexy footwear is only surpassed by castration for instantly emasculating a dude. 

The term ‘plimsoll’ can cover a multitude of sneaker style’s, but the fuckers I’m referring to in my hit-list are the rubberised low-profile (low cut) sand shoe. They’re just so common.  ‘Common’ is in the same fashion-silage-tank as ‘comfortable’ in my opinion.  Plimsolls seem to be the mindless default for anyone attempting to be ‘hip’.  The mutha of fails in the category of plimsolls are the white, pointy-toe versions infesting the shoe-dept shelves of the Kmart nearest to you.  Come on, be men for fuck’s sake! Plimsolls make your feet look girly.

So now that I’ve pissed all over a couple of your favourite casual choices; lets start restocking the shoe pile(Note: the above mentioned should now been fuelling a hallucinogenic rubbery inferno in your backyard). 

Clarks Original Saddle-Leather Collection By Ronnie Fieg-Desert Boot

F-Troupe Crepe Sole Canvas Desert Boots (Asos.com)

Ok, well firstly I have a bit of a penchant for the old ankle boot/trainer.  No I’m not a spruiker for Clarks (creators of the desert boots), but, yes; I would pimp myself out to any label throwing some dollars my way.  The fact is I just like the way that adding an inch to a trainer/sand shoe etc, makes it a little smarter; more adult; more masculine and allows the shoe to even transcend into a smart-casual context.  So this style of shoe, doesn’t necessarily have to be a heavy boot, more suited to winter, but can also be a great lightweight, cool and casual accessory for summer.  Most of the examples I’m going to show you can be worn with a short; dress sock, or without, particularly the espadrille and moccasins can be worn, at the risk of a fungal outbreak, without socks and be a great substitute for the chunder-inducing boat-shoe. 





 

blue espadrille (Topman.com)

McQueen shoes by Clae.com

McQueen shoes by Clae.com

Northern Cobbler Dorab Suede Shoes (Asos.com)

River Island Chambray Mid-Top Trainers (Asos.com)

Jack & Jones Intelligence Danner Chukka Boots (Asos.c

For those who think the ankle boot or high-top trainer is a wee bit too  Dutch voortrekker or Flavor Flav;  I’ve also included some images of chukka boots, which are an even lower cut (but not quite a sand shoe) and can be worn with an ankle-sock or free-toeing.  On the topic of ankle-socks: avoid socks that are too chunky or have sports symbols on the band.  They detract from the shoe.  Your socks should be subtle to invisible; this is not an opportunity to promote the fact that you have successfully paired the elusive fuckers up post-laundering, and thus are domesticated/good-husband material. 

Romeo (Camper.com)

Lacoste Ampthill MB Leather Chukka Boots (Asos.com)

K3 (Camper.com)

9/65 bayside moccasin chukka boots (seavees.com)

Camper Classic shoe ROMEO (Camper.com)

The ‘sand-shoe’/trainers I’ve suggested as MenWTW-approved footwear are chunkier and rounder in the toes than your girly-boy plimsolls.  I’m digging the dressier trainers that look like a sneaker-brogue hybrid.  Once again they’re a bit more adult and could even be worn in the work place if you are a twatty-tosser creative-type e.g. a graphic designer or any occupation for which wearing chunky dark-framed glasses to assist with your 20-20 vision is mandatory.

Thrash Crepe Sole Shoe (Topman.com)

Madero (Vans.net.au)

Toms Desert Oxford Canvas Shoes (Asos.com)

Diesel Nora Canvas Trainers (Asos.com)

*Note:  shoes are a huge topic; so in this month’s post I’m just focusing on casual to smart-casual footwear.  I’ll endeavour to skinny-dip in the murky waters of formal footwear in next month’s post.

The Man-bag Post

Firstly:  Sorry for the tardiness of this post, but I have just this moment sobered up (December/January: lost to me).

Now; the gripe:

I am more than a little weary of coming home every night with a bag full of miscellaneous keys.  No, I am not a devotee to the art of swinging; I am a chick who carries a handbag and thus is seen to provide a public service by any man I head out for a drink with, to carry their shit.  Whilst you blokes see me carrying a bag whose size of which seems like it would easily accommodate supplies required for a little jaunt to the Antarctic (and therefore would barely notice the addition of some sunnies and a phone), it does in fact just manage to hold all I need on a night out (i.e. make-up, comb, tissues, wet-wipes, floss, credit cards, hair-pins, chewing gum, business cards, keys, sewing kit, multi-tool, binoculars...).  I can’t be equipped for every makeup malfunction or the impromptu 3 day dirty-stop-out/bender and also fit your car-keys in my hand-bag.  

However, putting aside my own personal involvement in what could be the most significant gender conflict since the invention of the hinged toilet seat; Men, I have to say; I DO understand your problem.  

The problem is: you think carrying a bag will make you look like a big girl.  This is just not true and yet just another example of the fact that you guys present more issues than an episode of Dr Phil. 

Listen to me, Men:

1. Carrying a bag does not mean that your ‘sack’ is now empty (if you know what I mean).  
2. Carrying a bag does not mean it is necessarily chocka-full of sanitary products.   
3. Carrying a bag does help you avoid the unsightly bum protuberance from a wallet overflowing with 6 years of worth of credit card receipts in your back pocket.
4. You can still be a testosterone pumping, beer-swilling, breast eye-balling man AND carry a bag. 

A bag is merely a functional accessory to put your shit in, so you can manage for once, to get your phone/wallet/keys/sunnies/etc home with you in that 2am cab instead of accidentally leaving it all with a near-random [bag-toting] chick whom you may or may not ever see again now that she is in possession of your $300 Raybans.

So I am here suggesting some manly man-bag options.  The trick is, to purchase bags that look like the contents of which are EXTREMELY masculine such as gym-gear; paper work/laptop; or beer and guns.   

Avoid*(need I say) a ‘tote’ that looks like you are transporting brie, peaches and/or a bag-full of hair products.  Steering clear of these girly-boy; gender-non-specific bags will also save you about $AUD3000 on a purchase of a Burberry Prorsum woven leather tote or something similar that will only result in someone throwing a can of lager at your wanky- head (me, probably).  

Stick to:

• a leather or canvas ‘carry-all’ (i.e. the gym-gear lugger);
• a satchel (office gear holder)
• or a canvas backpack (protein bar and Swiss army-knife carrier). 

Drifter Back Country Backpack

ASOS Leather Look Barrel Bag

Zatchels Reptile print Leather Satchel

Ally Capellio: Armstrong Carry Bag

Fred Perry Canvas Carry-all

Zatchels Classic Leather Satchel

CBK green/blue odd strap backpack

All these bags suggest manly pursuits despite the fact you are possibly aptly using them to transport a Chap-stick and a Men’s Health mag (another reason for a bag: to conceal the fact you are really quite interested in reading about recent developments in men’s facial creams).

So get a bag....and carry your own fucking keys.

*Note: forget Adidas messenger bags or soft Nike draw-string backpacks.  These are specifically designed to co-ordinate with a  tank-top and  white canvas shoes or for someone is merely transporting drugs.

Stockists:

Asos

Someday Store

Comeback Kid

No, TANK-you! The most controversial post so far...

In my most controversial post so far I answer the question on every (regular-type-of) man’s lips:

‘Singlets?’

No. 

Before you let out an audible elation that for once I have managed to keep a post under 2000 words; unfortunately I feel like I need to explain (for another 1950 words) my totally ‘anti’ stance on tanks (singlets, wife-beaters...).  

Yes, alas it will take another lengthy style-bollocking to learn you good and proper why you should be avoiding yet another clothing item that has probably been a fundamental part of your Summer-‘look’ since George Michael insisted we should wake him up before we ‘..go-go’. 

I need to be clear; I really regret having to say ‘no’ to singlets, because heaven forbid I should further reduce the already limited clothing options available to men.  However, I take my calling to protect the ‘ordinary man’ from drifting into the demographic of ‘complete knob’ very seriously, and thus like a dominatrix I accept (ok; and enjoy a little) that I have to deliver some tough love.  

So, I can almost hear you now, (yes, with my with my 6^th sense ‘I hear style-challenged people’):

‘Its hot...and I look buff!  I want to lose the sleeves, you nasty, oppressive cow!’  

Yes, it is hot, but an addition of an extra 4 inches of cotton down your arm i.e. the difference between a tank top and a Tee, isn’t really going to smother you.  However, it will save everyone else around you from the full-sensory exposure of a hairy sweat-scene every time you raise your arm.  

Now the issue with the singlet is that, alas, others have spoilt the look for you. 

I don’t assume for a second you’re one of those tossers with hair that is the regrettable result of the ejaculation of about 500ml of gel to achieve the vertical mane-shame that is the ‘faux-hawk’.   

Regrettably, whilst they strut down the esplanade in their Ripcurl thongs with a tenuous hold on a pit-bull, they are also wearing a tank (singlet; wife-beater...) to show off a hairless torso of Celtic tattoos and a self-tan which would make a pubeless porn-star  with a set of double F-cups seem au naturale.  

In some sort of semiotic fusion; the singlet has now become inseparable from the bogan, and when you innocently don one in an aim to stay cool, you inadvertently also become a ‘tool’ as if infected with some sort of tank-top incubated virus.  
 

For god’s sake; sleeves are your only defence, man!  

You’re probably thinking; surely there must be other singlet-wearing sub-cultures with whom  you can affiliate to accommodate your desire to bear your freaking shoulders?  Well, yes;  but unfortunately these other tank-topped-demographics aren’t offering you alternative image-destination other than Twat-ville.  

I need to stress at this point that there are some blokes who are an almost impossible personification of masculine and cool and could maybe get away with wearing a singlet and not looking like someone even your grandmother is even tempted to punch in the face. 

However, I have always seen myself as the style-patron for the ‘average bloke’ and without the pleasure of having known you all individually, I must err on the side of caution and preach against singlet-wearing . 

I cannot bear the burden that a single one of you would experience the almost tangible bewilderment from your mates down the pub because Mistress MenWTW suggested you are maybe one of the rare few who could actually pull off that floral tank.     

This brings me to one of the ‘other’ singlet-wearing sector of the male population:  the hipsters.   

The American Apparel army find it a necessary part of their long-neck beer fuelled onslaught upon popular culture to be wearing a racer-back tank top lest they break out in a sweat when trying to pedal up a hill on a bike with no fucking gears.    

Singlets to trendy metrosexuals are just another item in their insatiable-lust for irony.  So despite their lily-white, girly-boy bodies; garnished in no more than 6 chest-pubes to validate their manhood, the hipster selects a top that marks their wee limp limbs as a location of interest.  

There you have it; the tank-top is once again a poor little pawn in another subculture’s desperate need to establish an identity.  Unfortunately, unless you were thinking that you might go ahead and become one of these-here hipsters because you already have a whole wardrobe from the 80’s and like the idea of getting a chest-load of ironic tattoos of household objects like toasters and game-boy consoles or some shit, the singlet is going to douse you in the undesirable scent of twattiness.

So what can you wear when the temps hit 30 degrees and all the trendy metros, bogans and thugs are delighting in their singlets, tank-top and wife-beaters?  Well, you can wear a thin, scoop neck, short-sleeve t’shirt....and hold your head high whilst you and your manhood sweat it out.

Tshirts: Men’s favourite alternative to being starkers

So, Men; you think this is one topic that you know:  Tshirts.  Like the clothing version of a man’s mind; the T’shirt is mono-dimensional and uncomplicated, is it not? 

                                                                                           It is not. 

I’m hoping you all have a supportive network of friends and family who see your merits beyond your dress-sense, because it will cushion the blow when I tell you that Tshirts are in fact yet another clothing concept you are often ballsing-up.

Prepare yourself, as yet another aspect of your clothing experience that once involved ‘just throwing something on’, will now require more cognitive-processing than interpreting the assembly instructions for IKEA’s NORDEN gate-leg table after 16 beers. 

Puma By Hussein Chalayan X Ray T-Shirt

  Tshirts are a big deal because no other piece of men’s clothing so overtly makes a statement of who you are.   Except for maybe your Vic Bitter tank top, that indeed communicates ‘something’ about you. 

The t-shirt is important.   If you make the wrong choice in a Tshirt, you might as well get a permanent marker and scrawl ‘Hello, I’m Neil and I’m a sad old twat who’s going on a date with this girl I met online who is (apparently) still in her early 20’s so I’m wearing this skin-tight V-neck Tee to make it seem like I’m busting out of my clothing with Incredible Hulk-style pecs and huge guns for arms’ across your chest; 

In this article I’m going to discuss three Tshirt-faux pas, and believe it or not, I do not include stains and rips as one of these forms of T-shittiness.  In fact, a carefully selected and positioned spillage or tear can rock.   

However, before you go racing to the rubbish bin to retrieve your favourite shirt that you mournfully tossed after spilling tandori chicken down the front; it's important to remember that there are good stains and bad stains.

In fact paint is the only acceptable blemish.   Carefully positioned paint stains suggests you are handy and/or artistic; and masculine in your apathy towards your own appearance. 

The reality is more likely to be that you went to Bunnings and brought a sample pot for the deliberate purpose of getting all Pollock-like on your shirt in an aim to bag yourself an indie-chick.   Luckily, what you lack in integrity and credibility you will make up in grungy hotness.  

So, what are the unholy trinity of Tshirt uck-fups you ask?

Asos Grandad Tee with All-over Fairisle Print

1. Sleeves too long (and loose).
2. Tee is too big or small
3.  The design/print is all wrong

Sleeves

Unfortunately, a Tshirt sleeve which is too long or baggy can make you look like a pre-pubescent kid who has transitioned 4 years too early out of the children’s clothing department.    Or even worse, Eminem circa 1999.   

I'm not looking to alienate any of my readers, but unless your method of communication is limited to ‘Awww and/or hell-yeah’ then I’m assuming pasty white-boy rapper isn’t a look you’re going for. 

Asos Kimono Tee

When it comes to sleeves, make sure they are short-ish.  That is; stop no lower than exactly 47mm above the elbow.  I’m sorry, this measurement is not flexible. 

The sleeves should be a relaxed-slim cut, or if you do have a slightly looser sleeve; roll it up.  In fact; roll those sleeves right up to your shoulder to achieve the sexiest look in history; that’s right the ‘Danny Zuko’.  You will look like a gorgeously-greasy version of rock and there’s the added bonus of having a convenient way of transporting your Marlboro Reds by tucking them between the sleeve and your shoulder/arm).  

If you’re not cool enough to smoke, you could replace the cigarettes for a Jumbo pack of Tic-Tacs, your Warcraft trading cards or a box of tampons (because nothing says ‘I care’ like anticipating the main events in your girlfriend’s menstrual cycle).   

Asos All-over Aztec Tee

Fit

I think I’ve covered the whole ‘don’t wear it long and baggy issue’ in the ‘sleeve’ section, so I’m going to jump straight to the shame-job that is the uber-tight Tee. 

Alas it is an issue that is close to my heart, because I have unknowingly dated a few men who have in fact worn tight Tees.  I won’t say it’s the only reason that we’re not currently spending our weekends arguing over shelving at IKEA, however, when the guy I thought I had sussed turned up one day in a skin-tight Tshirt, it was quite the challenge to burgeoning relationship. 

Pam Camp Logo Tee from Someday Store

I mean, how could I genuinely connect with this man when his painted-on-Tee was making me think that at any point in the evening he would make the exciting announcement that he was going to quit his job to begin a Bronski Beats Tribute band.

I understand where you’re coming from; you are buff and want to flaunt it.  But listen to me; put down the 3-sizes too small Tee, this is not the way to do it.  A  Tshirt that is too tight just makes you seem like a man in tragic denial of his age, or you are gay man from the 90's.  i.e., you will have women approaching you for the sole-purpose of  

bagging a man they can attend Kylie Minogue concerts and go shopping with.

So as with most of the rest of your wardrobe; make sure your Tshirts are not tight, and have more of a relaxed, slim/straight styling.  A Tee that just skims your form is much more flattering than something that looks like you've had it since your glory days in your primary school gym.

Neighborhood Sun Dance Tshirt from Someday Store

Prints/Designs

This is a tricky one to explain.   It is very simple to spot a graphic that is the love-child of ‘Cut’ (Dad) and ‘Paste’ (Mum) who came together in a sweatshop in China. 

The result is a grainy, monochromatic and patchy print on your Tshirt which is identical to millions of others.  If only Cut and Paste were using contraception; this tacky little offspring could have been prevented.

This is what you need to avoid.

As I said it is hard to explain what a cool graphic looks like, but I will attempt to lead you in the right direction.  

St James Striped Tee from Comeback Kid

For starters; avoid college or varsity prints. Unless you actually attended an American college in ‘1969’ this is very uncool.  If in fact if you did attend an American college in 1969 and are still wearing the shirt, you need to move on.   Although props to you for maintaining your figure!

In fact, I think I could safely say avoid any graphic that consists of huge digits/words across your chest.

Although there are exceptions to this next ‘rule’, if you want to play it safe (which I know you do; nervous, unsure and wandering aimlessly in a hostile ‘style’-landscape...) avoid faded black/grey and grainy designs on a coloured Tshirt*. 

Bolongaro Trevor Manzanera Tshirt from ASOS

This seems to be a characteristic of mass-produced prints i.e. one colour prints are cheaper than three.  The faded black/grey hue, although most likely deliberate, can make the Tshirt seem faded/worn-out.  I need to clarify, this is not a cool version of ‘faded/worn’ a la ‘Pete Doherty’ (or any smack-addict hipster/Kate Moss-ex of choice) style of anti-personal-grooming, but more like testament to your inability to do effective laundry.  I.e. you have ruined your already crappy Tee when it was washed in a bi-annual hot wash along with 18kgs of your other sordid items. 

So, yes; avoid those patchy black/grey designs on coloured Tshirts.

Ok, now that I have told you what is heinous in the Tshirt scene; I will now intravenously inject some positivity into this article and tell you what is the dog’s bollocks this season. 

PAM Tranced Stix Tshirt from Someday Store

All-over patterning in Tshirts is booming this Spring/Summer.  However, before you lose bladder-control over the idea of finally channelling the look of your earliest (gay?) style –icons ‘Bert and Ernie’, I would suggest steer clear of wide-bold stripes and instead embrace the ikat or the Aztec.  

No, this is not another IKEA reference.  Ikat and Aztec are Indonesian/South American/Native American Indian styles of patterns.  This trend is your chance to project the ‘Standing Bear’ or ‘Sitting Bull’ within (or in my case, ‘Drinking Fish’ and ‘Leaning Lush’), and garnish your urban look with a little bit of ethnic cool.

Limedrop Floral Striped Panel Tee from Comeback Kid

Another rad look in Tees this year is panelling and blocking.  No, this isn't a boxing technique.   Just in case you thought I was finally inserting some overtly masculine content into my post that didn't make you feel like embracing it would mean surrendering the testicles you were desperately clinging to with both hands.

Alas, I am actually describing Tshirts with panels of contrasting fabric being stitched onto the shirt or a Tee with blocks of bold fabric being used in the sleeves and pockets etc. 

Still very manly, non?

River Island Colour-block Tshirt

*On a white Tshirt, monochromatic; even faded, prints don’t look so insipid.  On a white Tee these graphics can look ok.