Thursday, 31 May 2012

Cardi-games: The ‘Winter [what the fuck do I] Wear’- Post #2

Cardigans.  This men’s clothing item has me seriously torn. 

I could only be in a deeper crisis of indecision if I was allowed a single pint (not so hypothetical as my reputation with bar security grows) in a pub with 3 dozen beers on tap.  

The problem is that many men who wear cardigans are such pretentious dickheads, that I find it nearly impossible to resist the urge to force-feed their multicoloured knit down their throat to make a deliciously twatty foie-gras out of their liver.   Luckily, it is merely a fantasy.  Despite my dubious inclinations, I am a woman of strong morals...and have a healthy fear of how my hair might look if I was sentenced to life in prison for murdering a hipster.   

So my dilemma is that despite the fact that a cardigan can be indicative of the wearer being a bit of a fucktard, I also think that men can look fa-sheezy in a decent cardi.  My ‘men-in-cardies’ attraction is either confirmation that I have a grandpa fetish (men are so delightfully malleable when senility sets in) or just that a comfy cardi; showing a bit of man-cleavage, can look like the epitome of ‘effortless sexy’ encapsulated in a wool-blend knit.  

I’ve always loved a man in a cardi as you can see in previous posts ('Play Your Card-igans Right').  Cardigans are actually great for showing off that which ‘ya mama gave ya’...or if your ‘mama’ was a bit stingy with the good genes, a cardigan can also conceal what 3 pints a day has ‘gave ya’.  A chunky-knit cardi can be very flattering by skimming forgivingly over your chunks, whilst still looking relaxed and casually-chic.

So, back to the predicament of attempting to don a cardi and still managing to strut the fine-line between dickhead and cool.  I have, as always, a wee bit of despotic fashion-direction for your reading-masochism:
  1. Keep your cardigans simple and not too heavily patterned.  If you are feeling bold and/or high and do opt for a patterned cardi; keep it fairly monochromatic lest you look like the love-child of Jenny Kee and Ken Done. 
  2. If your cardigan is patterned, make sure that your shirt underneath is plain or you might cause some sort of epileptic-fit for anyone who lays eyes upon your dizzying combo.  Make sure a patterned cardi is in a light weave/fabric, so it’s not too bulky and overwhelming.
  3. I would recommend neutral, plain colours in chunky weaves i.e. a man’s cardi (if we can indulge the idea that there is such a thing).  Shawl collars (turn-down collars) on cardigans are still quite hip; they look adult and even ‘dapper’ (look in up; the word doesn't necessarily question your possession of testicles).   These cardies are the best option if your want to team them up with a collar shirt underneath, because they sort of look like a knitted blazer.
Check out some non-wankerish cardigan examples:

Lyle & Scott Heritage Sweat Cardigan

Uniforms For The Dedicated - The Kingsley Knitted Cardigan

Lyle and Scott Cardigan Riviera

Selected Cast Cardigan

Modern Amusement Shawl Neck Cardigan Navy (from Incu)

J.Lindeberg Lytrench coats Basic Cardigan

Lyle and Scott Jaquard detail cardigan

Suit - Fleck Waffle Knit Cardigan

Shore Leave - Blue Mixed Yarn Shawl Jacket (from Urban Outfitters)

Weathered Ethan Cardigan Rust (from Incu)

Woolrich Striped Jersey Shawl Neck Sweater

Topman Monochrome Pattern Cardigan

J. Lindeberg - Fred Fishermens Knit Lt Grey Melange

Friday, 25 May 2012

Sweats & Hoods: The ‘Winter [what the fuck do I] Wear’- Post #1

Note: To any of you who have had the thought that they wished I would just 'shut the fuck up': I am here to let you know, I am willing to meet you half-way.

The new deal: I will be saying less...BUT more often!

You see, it is one of my many charmingly (quirky) qualities that I find holding-down a serious, full-time occupation fundamentally oppositional to the very core of my being.  Thus I don’t fully appreciate what it’s like attempting to read my monthly 2000-word tirade against the outfit you’re currently wearing, before your boss notices you’ve done fuck-all in the last 20mins to warrant getting paid. So as a gesture of empathy for my overworked, time-starved and illiterate readers, I am going to give you shorter posts, but now I'm going to bring-it on a weekly basis!

[I’m going to have to pull my finger out, to pull this off weekly! Maybe even sober up...]

The ‘Winter [what the fuck do I] Wear’- Post #1
So here in Australia its getting a tad chilly.  An Aussie winter is a challenging 3 weeks which inevitably sorts the men from the boys i.e. those yet to push-out some ‘fashion-pubes’ .   

I know in the past, I have made little mystery of the fact I don’t see ‘comfort’ as a key player in the success of an outfit.  In fashion, I see ‘comfort’ as the ugly, dull mate, who is never going to help pull the chicks at the pub, but only drinks light-beer and so can drive (drunk-)you home.  So what I'm saying is; I suppose 'comfort' is ok to have loitering around in your wardrobe.  It can be handy for those days when you’re under-the-weather/hung-over and buttoning up a shirt seems as complicated as explaining the non-determinacy of quantum mechanics.   

So for the first of a few winter posts I'll be churning out; I’m going to give you some good (comfortable) sweat-shirt and hoodie (hood) options perfect for the Oz winter....and the British summer.

Just some tips before I let your eyeballs loose on some good ‘sweat’/’hood’ examples:

1. Avoid wearing your sweat and hoodie too loose or you’ll look like you’re about to bust-out a rap about how you grew up in a trailer park and now you’re driving a Ferrari filled with ‘hot bitches’ etc.  However, wearing it too tight can look like you’ve been raiding the scabie-paradise of the lost-property bin at the local primary school.  Aim for a comfortable happy-medium; a sort of retro-fit; circa late 70’s/early 80’s.

2. Be careful when selecting sweatshirts or hoodies with designs or logos on them.  Particularly in the case of hoodies; they can make you look like a try-hard or appear as if you’re in the midst of a scary midlife-crisis and just about take up wearing a cap backwards and start riding a BMX.  If you are going to dare a design on your sweat,  then make sure it’s not too fucking retro or ‘ironic’, lest you be perceived as a twatty hipster.  You’d get less flack brandishing a Swastika across your chest, or [the catchy phrase] ‘Which one of you cupcakes wants to come over to my place, cook me dinner, and then give me a blowjob?’ than wearing a sweatshirt with Micky-Mouse or some shit on it.  Even hipsters hate hipsters.

So, some cool sweatshirts and hoodies:
PAM Jackhrd Bomber Jacket - SomeDay Store
Warriors Of Radness Blue Zip Through Sweater
Humör Crew Neck Sweater
My Yard Exclusive Bandana Sweat

Handsom Contrast Sleeve Jumper in Orange

Lyle & Scott Navy Zip Through Hoodie
Maharishi Lock Raglan Crew Sweat
My Yard Nordic Tribe Crew Neck Pocket Sweat Grey Marl
Polo Ralph Lauren V Insert Crew Neck Sweat
Penfield Burgundy Shawl Aquinnah Sweater
Topman Dark Green Raglan Plain Sweat
Carhartt Slash Navy Melange Sweater
Red Vintage Treated Ryder Sweat by Marc By Marc Jacobs
Edwin Crewneck Sweatshirt
Topman Grey Marl Flecked Print Sweat
My Yard Villains Crew Neck Sweat

Next week’s post ‘Which Jumpers and Cardies That Don’t Make You Look Like Someone Even Your Nan Would Want To Beat Up’.

Sunday, 6 May 2012

Formal freaking ‘Loafers’: The Dress-shoe Post.

When it comes to formal  footwear a huge chunk of the male population seem to be stuck firmly like a shit to a sheep’s arse in the early 2000’s.  Maybe this was a dark period in which you guys were struck with the sudden affliction of having to attend a wedding or had a girlfriend who made you go out to twatty bars etc; and thus had to buy some formal shoes.  And like a vasectomy, you see buying formal shoes is a testis-retreating act that needs to be done only once in your life.  

I just don’t understand mens’ hesitancy to sort their [formal] shoe status.  Do men feel they can’t be taken seriously in the workplace unless they are wearing footwear that looks like they haven’t been home since a big night at the pokie lounge (definition)?  The perception  seems to be, that if you are an office-chair commando that cares about the status of your footwear, then you are clearly redirecting productivity away from work and into the dubious zone of wanky fashion interest.  Let me assure any members of management now;  business would not necessarily suffer if your worker’s shoes were anywhere near the intangible realms of en-trend.  I'm starting to think that a man’s early interest in pursuing a creative career or a ‘trade’ is less about an interest in these vocations and more about seeking a profession that allows you to wear Vans or Blunnies (definition) when clocking-on.  

The thing is, it’s not really that freaking complicated.  Of all the fashion-fuck-ups I’ve had to delicately shepherd you through, I think getting formal footwear right is pretty much rinky-dink.  This is because there are only a few smart shoes out there that are really absolute disasters.  The rest of the smart-shoe options range from ‘tolerable’ to, the life-inspiring nirvana I know you guys are working towards, ‘cool’.  

 So let’s identify the shoes to avoid; ..give me your name, demon!(ugly shoe foot-possession; lame The Exorcist reference).  The name of the butters of all smart-shoes is the unholy: formal loafer.  As I said in my last post regarding non-lacing footwear:

‘...pull-on footwear are for humans who are yet to master the tricky art of ‘tying your own shoe-laces’ or geriatrics who, if they spend any amount of time groping around at their feet tying laces, may never experience a vertical position again...’

However, it’s not just the apathy intrinsically attached to this type of shoe that makes it so skid.  Its the desperate message you are obviously attempting to communicate about the unreasonable size of your penis with the freaking unnatural length of this shoe (i.e. suggesting the hugeness of the foot it plays host to). To be quite honest, I can cope with a tiny bit of elongation in a formal men’s shoe but along with the stupid-looking square toe; formal loafers make you look like a freaking circus-show intermission-act.  And ‘no’; no one believes your appendage is that long.  Also, they just don’t make you look hot.  Unfairly; clowns and carnies are neither respected, nor sexually-desirable members of our society.

The situation with formal loafers is made even worse because the designers of these type of shoe obviously delight in the sadistic joke they are playing on men and even sometimes apply fucking-bling to the loafers!  By adding buckles; fabric appliqué; chains; (need I mention) tassels and a bit of patent-type gloss to this footwear-ghettofication makes you look like a dandy hairdresser or some sort of pirate from a puke-inducing pantomime. 

So play it safe, man; avoid the formal loafer. 

Needless to say, there are of course some other butt-fugly formal footwear, but you know me;  I’m never one to dwell on the negative or be gratuitously critical, so let’s move on to what you can wear:

Paul Smith Shoes - Tan Ponti Brogues
Brogues (definition) and Oxfords (definition) have never really gone out of fashion and to be quite honest, when it comes to formal shoe-trends and sex, it's best to steer clear of anything radical unless you're a seasoned player.  For formal versions of these shoes; avoid chunky soles and weird-arse colours.  
As I mentioned earlier; pass up very pointy toes; unless you’re deliberately trying to deter close-talkers with the spanse of your shoes...or hetro women, to be honest.  
Patent leather is also generally a bit of a no-no, despite the fact it presents the perfect surface upon which neither kebab drippings or urine can penetrate.

Julius Marlow -Vegas brown
River Island Washed Leather Brogue Shoes

Antoine + Stanley -sebastian black

Frank Wright Derby Shoes

Paul Smith Shoes - Taupe Marino Shoe

Windsor Smith -Oasis black

Brando -henry black