Friday, 29 July 2011

The Scarf Post

Our favourite lovely beard-with-a-man-attached
is wearing an oversized fabric scarf in The Muffler tie.
‘Her of The Harsh-but-Fair’ has been struggling over this latest style-spouting for a few weeks now.  The main reason for the long and painful labour in giving birth to this beautiful bouncing post (no, you guessed right; I did not opt for a natural birth) was that the battery in my laptop has been diagnosed (by this here com-put-er savant) as being terminally crook (‘scuse the techno babble).  This meant; like an electric car, I could only work within a couple minutes of a power point. 

This is a major problem, you ask?

I know this may surprise my readers; but these posts are not the result of me sitting with a cuppa on the couch surrounded by men's style-mags and a Best and Less catalogue (of course I don’t even own a couch because the slovenly position this form of seating promotes, causes the creasing of your clothing.  Also, if there were no couches in the world, I’m convinced we wouldn’t have Slankets. I'm just glad Coco Chanel isn't alive today to see the unholy dissemination of the snuggie-blankie-blanket-with-sleeves.  The creators will be judged...mark my word!)  

No, I tell you! I’m no hypocrite!  How can I preach against comfortable clothing (in exchange for style) if I myself am in my tracky-daks as I write?   In fact my posts are in the most part the natural result of me sitting in a number of Melbourne’s fantastic watering-holes (that have decided their elegant-dining/drinking credibility is worth jepodising for the financial gain of attracting boozers with the introduction of a happy hour)drawing upon the rich stimulus that is: dags in a chardy/corona-swilling frenzy.  This is where I identify the true fashion ‘needs’ in our society…

However, this genuine and valid excuse for my blog-tardiness; (my ‘blardiness’) has not freed me from an almost debilitating guilt, because whilst I have had my head down around peoples knees in bars (girls can get away with this) in my eternal search for power points, there have been heinous fashion crimes occurring up around peoples necks… 

So, here: for those people whose cries for help I can block out with wine anymore; here is The Scarf post.

Now; I don't want to stray from the light-hearted (lest I say mildly amusing) tone that has defined this blog in the past, but scarves; unfortunately there is nothing funny about scarves.  In fact the topic of ‘scarves’ presents the sort of emotionally sensitive issue that we Australians find near impossible to openly discuss (due to our penchant for banter and/or not talking (men)).  So instead, we try and ignore what’s going on around many Australian’s necks for two months of the year; hoping we can endure our icy 17 degree (celsius) temperatures whilst living with the crime most of us are committing against the noble art of scarfing.

As you may have gathered from the innate wisdom and insight present in previous posts; your writer (aka guru, leader…friend…) is a woman of the world.  Yes, dear reader, I have encountered many cultures and nationalities and thus can make some fairly objectives observations on the Australian population.  Of course we are world-renown for our level of attractiveness; sublime bodies and general ‘up-for-it-ness’, however, we have but one national flaw: we generally look like dick heads in scarves.  

However, we shouldn’t give up on a bit of neck bling because it scares us…it will only take a few tips to learn how to wear some fabric around your neck like one of these dudes (see pictures…that illustrate my point better and in less than the 1000+ words here.  See, his is why the world needs models!). 

The 'snood'

Although you simple-practically-minded gentlemen see winter as the only time to (in desperation) drag out that hideous entrail of fleece;  a scarf, like a woman, is in fact for every season.  You can even wear a bit of neck-flare in summer with a light-jersey ‘snood’.  Yes, that’s right; a ‘snood’: a scarf/hood (a loop of fabric) that you must NEVER wear as a ‘hood’ (despite the temptation the name presents) unless you are at a medieval-role-play gathering in which case I pray you would not be a follow of this blog anyway, otherwise my perceived target-audience is WAY off!  The benefit of a snood is that you can aptly wear the bastard without feeling like you need a Scout’s knotting badge to follow the fashion trend.  You just loop the snood (freaking love that word!) several times around your neck and tighten the loops if you are chilly (or suicidal) and wear loose on a warmer day….

Great for warmer weather too, to cover a
girly chest.

Ok, on-to the tricky traditional strip of fabric (hmmm yeah, a real Rubiks challenge)…The Scarf:

There are a number of ways to tie a scarf, but you will be very relieved to know that all the tricky knots actually make you look like a twat, so you can forget the Parisian Knot or even the Once-around Knot.  In fact NO knotting!  Instead; how to wear your scarf at the moment is just thrown around the neck at different levels of tension (wow, I can’t believe I’m using this many words to explain how to put a strip of fabric around a neck. I feel like a freaking conceptual artist; wanking-on in a 2000 word statement about the white box I’d just got a grant to make).

So you have two ways you are allowed to wear your scarf:

The Muffler (for winter or wusses):
'The Muffler.'
People of all race, nationality and
ethnicity can wear scarves.  In fact; scarves
could unite the whole world...
The Muffler is the product of several loops of a really long scarf; accumulating the layers up under your chin.  This style is great for covering up the two main calamities of masculinity: that’s right; shave rash and/or the neck beard.  It also protects against the cold, (I suppose) but I am quite sure by now you realise that fashion and style are not bbfs with comfort and/or function.  I mean; they may flash a cordial smile if they see each other out and about, but they are definitely mingling in different crowds.  Sorry, if you are getting this news for the first time…it must be tough to hear....
The Muffler is only suited to chunky, long, knitted or weave scarfs or large square fabric scarves (yes, the girly-type; see: beard-man(top)) and shouldn’t be applied to long, thin fabric scarves or you’ll look like a 60 year old art-worker or (worse) a hippy (and you know how ‘we’ feel about hippies…you don’t want to upset me do you?).

'The LOA'
When you wear a scarf, you can look so cool;
that there is absolutely no need to
look at people...
The Loose Once Around -LOA (warmer; looser; at least 36% more twatty than The Muffler):

Yes, as it sounds; this is the tarty little sister of The Muffler.   Whilst The Muffler is all high and mighty in her functionality; The LOA is just a bit of sumthang-sumthang hanging around; looking fancy.  Just hurl that slapper-of-a-scarf loosely around your neck ,once, having the loop hanging just above your nips.
This style can be applied to all scarf-types (i.e. the LOA; she aint fussy) and particularly good with a fabric scarf for Spring/Autumn.

Some dudes about to put on some cool 'snoods'.  Promise me you'll use that word when the guys ask 'what the fuck is that shit around your neck?' ie don't wuss out and say 'oh, its just a scarf-type-thing...ok?!'.  Be proud of your 'snood'!

Surly, girly-boys in lovely Burberry snoods
There you have it; how to put a strip of cloth around your neck.  Next blog: ‘How To Put On Your Underdaks In The Morning’.  Joke. Sigh. 

Saturday, 2 July 2011

Men’s Accessories- Part 1: ‘Beards'

I love beards. 

Along with a man involved the erotic act of vacuuming (I call this foreplay); they really do it for me!  
Why do I like beards? Ok, yank that ‘Psychology for Idiots’ off the bookshelf; and flip to the 3 sentence summation of Freud’s ‘Oedipus Complex’; yes; my dad has a beard.  My dad has always had a beard.  Except for once when I was young (he was probably bored i.e. a sole occasion when all the family’s cars/mechanical/electrical appliances were all simultaneously functioning, and he had nothing to fix)  dad shaved it off and revealed the face of a complete stranger.   Ok, now that I have sufficiently grossed myself out with this journey into my own obviously sick psyche let’s just try and move on so it doesn’t get awkward between us and just leave it at; I like beards. 

The good news for men with a preference for a furred face is that not only are beards a magnet for wacko chicks who are attracted to doppelgangers of their fathers, but beards have also for the last few years been tres cool.  Moreover, with all the Saddam Hussein hype being so yesterday’s news now; you can feel free to grow a beard without having to put aside an extra hour and your best underwear (a courtesy which makes those full body searches a more ‘special’ experience for all involved) every time you head to the airport. 

As a counsellor in men’s style; I am now taking a very unusual direction with my guidance and am inviting you to take a completely laissez-faire approach to your personal grooming.  You have my blessing to let you face go feral; this is my gift to you. So donate your razors to the cause of porn-star-ifying your girlfriend’s nether-regions and let the face-forest flourish!  However, like a frenzied dog on the end of a fully extended, retractable leash, which has started to roll in the remains of a dead pigeon, I now need to rein you in a little... Alas, just when you thought you had found a trend that required absolutely none of the attention that could otherwise be directed into sourcing new free web-porn, I have to break it to you; this look, which is meant to denote the wearer as being the embodiment of effortless masculinity is actually the product of some covert poncing-about.  Oh-yes; this hairy-veil is going to require some very deliberate pimping to pull off that rugged and carefree look.

So, specifically; how to wear the spawn of your follicles in 2013? 

Beards at the moment should be worn a little shaggier than the mere stubble that a girly-boy instant pop-star might cultivate just to confirm for his female fans that they weren’t in fact lusting after a pre-pubescent girl.   Beards at the moment should be medium to heavy weight whilst still trimmed to keep the lines of your jaw and cheeks definable. 
Make sure you keep your sideburns cut quite close.  Sideburns look super-gross when they get long, wiry and dense.

Very important: (and I probably should have mentioned this before you gift-wrapped and ceremonially presented all your razors to the girlfriend for your anniversary) you need to avoid the neck-beard!  Face and chest hair should never mingle!  ‘Neck-beard’ is actually even used as a derogatory term for slovenly nerds; often involved in hobbies such as card gaming, video gaming, anime, et. al.
Neck-beard (noun)If this party is full of f*cking neckbeards, I'm out. I've got better things to do than sit around with a bunch of unwashed nerds’ (taken from the Urban Dictionary).

So swipe one of the razors that your girl has now pre-blunted on her armpits and fend off the beard as it rushes southwards; just before it hits your Adam’s apple, but no earlier/higher or you will look like a Thunderbird i.e. disconnected head.

If you needed any more convincing to begin the god-given right of all men to allow your follicles to sprout-forth in beardiness, then listen to some of the motivational material produced by the Australian folk/rock band The Beards.  With tracks such as ‘If your Dad Doesn’t Have A Beard Then You Have Two Mums’, ‘No Beard, No Good’ and ‘It Only Takes A Fortnight (To Grow A Decent Beard)’; a few hours of their catchy musical indoctrination and you’ll be feeling more nakedness and vulnerability than a prostrate exam offers without a lovely veil of facial growth.

Next post (very soon!) Men’s Accessories- Part 2: ‘Scarves’
aka ‘Scarves: The Solution To The Shave Rash Created From Attempting To Avoid The Neckbeard’ blog-post.