Friday, 29 July 2011

The Scarf Post

Our favourite lovely beard-with-a-man-attached
is wearing an oversized fabric scarf in The Muffler tie.
‘Her of The Harsh-but-Fair’ has been struggling over this latest style-spouting for a few weeks now.  The main reason for the long and painful labour in giving birth to this beautiful bouncing post (no, you guessed right; I did not opt for a natural birth) was that the battery in my laptop has been diagnosed (by this here com-put-er savant) as being terminally crook (‘scuse the techno babble).  This meant; like an electric car, I could only work within a couple minutes of a power point. 

This is a major problem, you ask?

I know this may surprise my readers; but these posts are not the result of me sitting with a cuppa on the couch surrounded by men's style-mags and a Best and Less catalogue (of course I don’t even own a couch because the slovenly position this form of seating promotes, causes the creasing of your clothing.  Also, if there were no couches in the world, I’m convinced we wouldn’t have Slankets. I'm just glad Coco Chanel isn't alive today to see the unholy dissemination of the snuggie-blankie-blanket-with-sleeves.  The creators will be judged...mark my word!)  

No, I tell you! I’m no hypocrite!  How can I preach against comfortable clothing (in exchange for style) if I myself am in my tracky-daks as I write?   In fact my posts are in the most part the natural result of me sitting in a number of Melbourne’s fantastic watering-holes (that have decided their elegant-dining/drinking credibility is worth jepodising for the financial gain of attracting boozers with the introduction of a happy hour)drawing upon the rich stimulus that is: dags in a chardy/corona-swilling frenzy.  This is where I identify the true fashion ‘needs’ in our society…

However, this genuine and valid excuse for my blog-tardiness; (my ‘blardiness’) has not freed me from an almost debilitating guilt, because whilst I have had my head down around peoples knees in bars (girls can get away with this) in my eternal search for power points, there have been heinous fashion crimes occurring up around peoples necks… 

So, here: for those people whose cries for help I can block out with wine anymore; here is The Scarf post.

Now; I don't want to stray from the light-hearted (lest I say mildly amusing) tone that has defined this blog in the past, but scarves; unfortunately there is nothing funny about scarves.  In fact the topic of ‘scarves’ presents the sort of emotionally sensitive issue that we Australians find near impossible to openly discuss (due to our penchant for banter and/or not talking (men)).  So instead, we try and ignore what’s going on around many Australian’s necks for two months of the year; hoping we can endure our icy 17 degree (celsius) temperatures whilst living with the crime most of us are committing against the noble art of scarfing.

As you may have gathered from the innate wisdom and insight present in previous posts; your writer (aka guru, leader…friend…) is a woman of the world.  Yes, dear reader, I have encountered many cultures and nationalities and thus can make some fairly objectives observations on the Australian population.  Of course we are world-renown for our level of attractiveness; sublime bodies and general ‘up-for-it-ness’, however, we have but one national flaw: we generally look like dick heads in scarves.  

However, we shouldn’t give up on a bit of neck bling because it scares us…it will only take a few tips to learn how to wear some fabric around your neck like one of these dudes (see pictures…that illustrate my point better and in less than the 1000+ words here.  See, his is why the world needs models!). 

The 'snood'

Although you simple-practically-minded gentlemen see winter as the only time to (in desperation) drag out that hideous entrail of fleece;  a scarf, like a woman, is in fact for every season.  You can even wear a bit of neck-flare in summer with a light-jersey ‘snood’.  Yes, that’s right; a ‘snood’: a scarf/hood (a loop of fabric) that you must NEVER wear as a ‘hood’ (despite the temptation the name presents) unless you are at a medieval-role-play gathering in which case I pray you would not be a follow of this blog anyway, otherwise my perceived target-audience is WAY off!  The benefit of a snood is that you can aptly wear the bastard without feeling like you need a Scout’s knotting badge to follow the fashion trend.  You just loop the snood (freaking love that word!) several times around your neck and tighten the loops if you are chilly (or suicidal) and wear loose on a warmer day….

Great for warmer weather too, to cover a
girly chest.

Ok, on-to the tricky traditional strip of fabric (hmmm yeah, a real Rubiks challenge)…The Scarf:

There are a number of ways to tie a scarf, but you will be very relieved to know that all the tricky knots actually make you look like a twat, so you can forget the Parisian Knot or even the Once-around Knot.  In fact NO knotting!  Instead; how to wear your scarf at the moment is just thrown around the neck at different levels of tension (wow, I can’t believe I’m using this many words to explain how to put a strip of fabric around a neck. I feel like a freaking conceptual artist; wanking-on in a 2000 word statement about the white box I’d just got a grant to make).

So you have two ways you are allowed to wear your scarf:

The Muffler (for winter or wusses):
'The Muffler.'
People of all race, nationality and
ethnicity can wear scarves.  In fact; scarves
could unite the whole world...
The Muffler is the product of several loops of a really long scarf; accumulating the layers up under your chin.  This style is great for covering up the two main calamities of masculinity: that’s right; shave rash and/or the neck beard.  It also protects against the cold, (I suppose) but I am quite sure by now you realise that fashion and style are not bbfs with comfort and/or function.  I mean; they may flash a cordial smile if they see each other out and about, but they are definitely mingling in different crowds.  Sorry, if you are getting this news for the first time…it must be tough to hear....
The Muffler is only suited to chunky, long, knitted or weave scarfs or large square fabric scarves (yes, the girly-type; see: beard-man(top)) and shouldn’t be applied to long, thin fabric scarves or you’ll look like a 60 year old art-worker or (worse) a hippy (and you know how ‘we’ feel about hippies…you don’t want to upset me do you?).

'The LOA'
When you wear a scarf, you can look so cool;
that there is absolutely no need to
look at people...
The Loose Once Around -LOA (warmer; looser; at least 36% more twatty than The Muffler):

Yes, as it sounds; this is the tarty little sister of The Muffler.   Whilst The Muffler is all high and mighty in her functionality; The LOA is just a bit of sumthang-sumthang hanging around; looking fancy.  Just hurl that slapper-of-a-scarf loosely around your neck ,once, having the loop hanging just above your nips.
This style can be applied to all scarf-types (i.e. the LOA; she aint fussy) and particularly good with a fabric scarf for Spring/Autumn.

Some dudes about to put on some cool 'snoods'.  Promise me you'll use that word when the guys ask 'what the fuck is that shit around your neck?' ie don't wuss out and say 'oh, its just a scarf-type-thing...ok?!'.  Be proud of your 'snood'!

Surly, girly-boys in lovely Burberry snoods
There you have it; how to put a strip of cloth around your neck.  Next blog: ‘How To Put On Your Underdaks In The Morning’.  Joke. Sigh. 


  1. Andy "Snood" Churchward30 July 2011 at 00:18

    Now I really know you are messing with us! The next time someone goes to get life insurance they should add to the usual questions 1/ Do you enjoy skydiving? 2/ Do you work in a dangerous job? 3/ Do you smoke 20 a day? - The question 4/ Do you wear a Snood or Scarf in broad daylight? If so, we are going to double your monthly premium 'cause you've just increased your chance of early death by 200%! I shall stick to wearing my Snood around the home thank you.

  2. Oh Cassowary! Please! It was hard enough when they introduced yellow jumpers and pink shirts; but snoods!?!#%? What the fu@% is a snood? A scarf that doesn't work? A Yasser Arafat tea towel gone wrong? . Please Casper, for the love of God, bring us something for the common man... Please

    Common Man

  3. Dear 'Common Man',
    as I said in the post; 'People of all race, nationality and
    ethnicity can wear scarves. In fact; scarves
    could unite the whole world...'
    (same applies to the snood ie scary; I know, but don't been intimidated by the ends being sewn together and all ie grow some balls, man! its just fabric! ;-)).
    That said, if youre a wee-bit fashion-timid (but probably very bold within a UFC ring etc) try a long jersey grey scarf; looped around once. Distracts from a world of issues happening elsewhere on your person and will give you an instant fashion cred...
    I'm all about the common man...making him less common...

  4. I love these men!

    I head up the club of women-who-melt-at-a-man-in-any-scarf (or snood). Men who wear a scarf will ALWAYS get my second (and third) look.

    Along with other male friends, I have been waiting anxiously for this post and you didn't disappoint!

    Love it!

    From the Madam President of the Lovers of Men In Scarves Association.

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