Sunday, 6 May 2012

Formal freaking ‘Loafers’: The Dress-shoe Post.

When it comes to formal  footwear a huge chunk of the male population seem to be stuck firmly like a shit to a sheep’s arse in the early 2000’s.  Maybe this was a dark period in which you guys were struck with the sudden affliction of having to attend a wedding or had a girlfriend who made you go out to twatty bars etc; and thus had to buy some formal shoes.  And like a vasectomy, you see buying formal shoes is a testis-retreating act that needs to be done only once in your life.  

I just don’t understand mens’ hesitancy to sort their [formal] shoe status.  Do men feel they can’t be taken seriously in the workplace unless they are wearing footwear that looks like they haven’t been home since a big night at the pokie lounge (definition)?  The perception  seems to be, that if you are an office-chair commando that cares about the status of your footwear, then you are clearly redirecting productivity away from work and into the dubious zone of wanky fashion interest.  Let me assure any members of management now;  business would not necessarily suffer if your worker’s shoes were anywhere near the intangible realms of en-trend.  I'm starting to think that a man’s early interest in pursuing a creative career or a ‘trade’ is less about an interest in these vocations and more about seeking a profession that allows you to wear Vans or Blunnies (definition) when clocking-on.  

The thing is, it’s not really that freaking complicated.  Of all the fashion-fuck-ups I’ve had to delicately shepherd you through, I think getting formal footwear right is pretty much rinky-dink.  This is because there are only a few smart shoes out there that are really absolute disasters.  The rest of the smart-shoe options range from ‘tolerable’ to, the life-inspiring nirvana I know you guys are working towards, ‘cool’.  

 So let’s identify the shoes to avoid; ..give me your name, demon!(ugly shoe foot-possession; lame The Exorcist reference).  The name of the butters of all smart-shoes is the unholy: formal loafer.  As I said in my last post regarding non-lacing footwear:

‘...pull-on footwear are for humans who are yet to master the tricky art of ‘tying your own shoe-laces’ or geriatrics who, if they spend any amount of time groping around at their feet tying laces, may never experience a vertical position again...’

However, it’s not just the apathy intrinsically attached to this type of shoe that makes it so skid.  Its the desperate message you are obviously attempting to communicate about the unreasonable size of your penis with the freaking unnatural length of this shoe (i.e. suggesting the hugeness of the foot it plays host to). To be quite honest, I can cope with a tiny bit of elongation in a formal men’s shoe but along with the stupid-looking square toe; formal loafers make you look like a freaking circus-show intermission-act.  And ‘no’; no one believes your appendage is that long.  Also, they just don’t make you look hot.  Unfairly; clowns and carnies are neither respected, nor sexually-desirable members of our society.

The situation with formal loafers is made even worse because the designers of these type of shoe obviously delight in the sadistic joke they are playing on men and even sometimes apply fucking-bling to the loafers!  By adding buckles; fabric appliqué; chains; (need I mention) tassels and a bit of patent-type gloss to this footwear-ghettofication makes you look like a dandy hairdresser or some sort of pirate from a puke-inducing pantomime. 

So play it safe, man; avoid the formal loafer. 

Needless to say, there are of course some other butt-fugly formal footwear, but you know me;  I’m never one to dwell on the negative or be gratuitously critical, so let’s move on to what you can wear:

Paul Smith Shoes - Tan Ponti Brogues
Brogues (definition) and Oxfords (definition) have never really gone out of fashion and to be quite honest, when it comes to formal shoe-trends and sex, it's best to steer clear of anything radical unless you're a seasoned player.  For formal versions of these shoes; avoid chunky soles and weird-arse colours.  
As I mentioned earlier; pass up very pointy toes; unless you’re deliberately trying to deter close-talkers with the spanse of your shoes...or hetro women, to be honest.  
Patent leather is also generally a bit of a no-no, despite the fact it presents the perfect surface upon which neither kebab drippings or urine can penetrate.

Julius Marlow -Vegas brown
River Island Washed Leather Brogue Shoes

Antoine + Stanley -sebastian black

Frank Wright Derby Shoes

Paul Smith Shoes - Taupe Marino Shoe

Windsor Smith -Oasis black

Brando -henry black


  1. Good advice and taken on board! Watch out twatty bars I'm back!

  2. Julius Marlow -Vegas brown; where do I find these?

  3. Well written blog, Thanks for posting.

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