Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Short-pants Syndrome-The 'Shorts' post

Noting the frequency with which men seem to whip off their shirts (its not that freaking hot) or the glut of arse cracks (or undies poking-out from the top of your pants) we’re cruelly exposed to in our day to day activities, one would nearly consider that bodily-bits such as calves are the new region of modesty for a man.  I’m surprised that those post-footy photo’s of the bro-love embraces down the pub don’t feature more drunken-yobs in the background cheekily flashing their calves instead of bare-bums and beer guts (tastefully adorned in team insignia).  Legs just don’t often get to see the light of day in our current cultural scene.  To be quite honest I’m completely desensitized to a bit of  man-nip or arse, however, a tasteful revelation of a guys shin or calf…right there; that’s some titillation!  Flash a thigh and you’d push me over the edge (women in their 30’s: it doesn’t take much…).

I don’t know why men are so hesitant to crack-out some lower leg?  Has below the crotch attracted some reputation of shame (yet undies and arse cracks are now a feature to be aired at lunch with Nan)?  I tell you; ‘legs’ are wasted on blokes!  Even if you don’t have thighs with muscles that could double as a shelf for your beer or carves that don’t make poultry-pins look ‘buff’ in comparison; I rarely see a man who has truly atrocious legs.  In fact those mortuary-hued little leggys of yours can look (not quite like a Michelangelo, but) ok in the right shorts (with the addition of the constant flexing of your quads and gastrocnemii.  The type of tensing that makes doing anything else simultaneously impossible) . 

However, I have to say at this point: for freak's sake; be *MEN* will you?!  You are blokes…and its hot; thus demanding drastic lower ventilation!  You shouldn’t be over-concerned with your appearance (yes despite the mess I’ve made of your psyche over the last few months)!  Leave the debilitating state of discomfort (in an aim to look good) to us girls.  We can handle it.  High-heels and waxing is all the preparation one needs to accept a life-time of unease... 

The thing is; you look like a wanker if the temps are high and you are fighting the compulsion to get some air to your nether-regions just to keep the secret of you blobular or skinny limbs safe under your black slim jeans.  So re-learn how to not ‘give a shit’ and get out those pins!  And remember: full-leg tattooing can cover up a whole myriad of issues from pale/motley skin to an emasculating lack of leg-hair.  Consider it.

So, I’ve convinced you (as I knew I would, my darling, malleable ones)!  And now you’re thinking; ‘But Mistress MenWTW,  I only have some ¾ cargos and footy shorts…will these do?’ No.  Tell no-ne and burn them.  For the remainder of this post, Ill give you some very strict rules to follow.   
Deviate from these instructions and you might wind up here:    
        












....and you'll be lost to me.
 
Short Length:
When it comes to shorts and not the bits they cover, longer is NOT better.  Don’t despair; this blog is not a covert operation to create the largest Village People tribute-show ever.  No, despite the sadistic pleasure I would get from coercing you all into hot pants, the shorts I’m suggesting you don should be above the knee but at least a hand span from your crotch (your own hand.  Please don’t sully my blog’s rep by using it as an excuse to cop a grope).
 


















Anything below the knee adds 10 years to you i.e. it makes you look like you peaked in 1999 and gave up on looking good mid-2000.  Besides being VERY uncool, they also make you look shorter!  Oh, yes, that’s what you want: to lop a pesky 10inches off your mammoth stature, with some ugly-arse long shorts.  If you are going for chino’s or tailored shorts you can wear them mid-thigh to just above the knee.  However, if you are wearing denim shorts; make them no higher (or lower) than about 2 of an inch above the knee, lest you look like you are about to slide-in through the window of the Dukes of Hazzard’s Charger. 

Short Width:
Avoid seriously baggy shorts.  You are not aiming to look like you just dropped 40kg but didn’t have the dollar for a new down-sized wardrobe after blowing all your cash on meal replacement shakes. Your shorts should be a little looser cut than you’d wear your slim-pants, but not baggy or billowing out from the hip.  They should be a relaxed-tailored or narrow-leg. 
Wear your chinos looser than your denim shorts.  Your denim shorts should be worn quite slim and try folding them up at the cuff.




 Colour:
Avoid check.  We love check every where else; but you’ll look like an English middle-class twat if you wear this pattern in your shorts.  I don’t know why; you just will (need I justify everything?)!  

Experiment with colour.  However, because I know you guys are going to already feel a little vulnerable showing your knees and all; without the protection of a dozen commando pockets (to keep your can openers and energy chocolate in), I suggest you play it safe.  Try blues, pinky-oranges, and stripes…no radical patterns (see; I am concerned for your being able to drink down the pub in peace, as well as your appearance)!  Tartan: are you insane.



And please consider the full-leg tattooing...

3 comments:

  1. Wait, no recommendations on selecting the ideal pair of jorts? Personally, I'm a fan of cutoffs that are short enough for the pockets to hang out. It really accentuates the "junk" area.

    ReplyDelete
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